juz wanna post one of the song from him that i luv...maybe the song gave me a lil bit courage...thanks maher zein...
InsyaAllah...even thought my most fav is for the rest of my life..
but i think this song suit me better for now...
~ENJOY~
Friday, 16 December 2011
Song
wonderful guy....for long time i didnt hear nasyeed...never thought this guy will make me luv to hear it again...nice n sweet voice he had..beautiful n sooth melodies...i juz luv his songs...
juz wanna post one of the song from him that i luv...maybe the song gave me a lil bit courage...thanks maher zein...
juz wanna post one of the song from him that i luv...maybe the song gave me a lil bit courage...thanks maher zein...
Future or Dream?
Maybe I shud put an end to any of those...
Maybe cosplay?but after all i done?do i wan to give up like this...?after paid so much?after trying so hard? after dreaming so much on it?after trying to catch it for long time?after been in so many quarrel for it? after failed it many times?
Maybe course?after trying so hard in it...?after giving much confident in it?after put my health risk for it...?after tension n stress for it?after being so heartless for it?
Can i juz end it...maybe ...i shud really end it...dun care anything else anymore...being so heartless is more easy than being in pains...
This lonely..hurt...scare...empty feeling...I never been through this hurt before in my life...everything i did...i give my best...but for now...i wish i could juz not here...maybe that better...rather than make many people suffering in my life...i appreciated GOD gave me a life to enjoy this world that HE created...but..maybe...yeah maybe...i shud never be here in first place....
Maybe cosplay?but after all i done?do i wan to give up like this...?after paid so much?after trying so hard? after dreaming so much on it?after trying to catch it for long time?after been in so many quarrel for it? after failed it many times?
Maybe course?after trying so hard in it...?after giving much confident in it?after put my health risk for it...?after tension n stress for it?after being so heartless for it?
Can i juz end it...maybe ...i shud really end it...dun care anything else anymore...being so heartless is more easy than being in pains...
This lonely..hurt...scare...empty feeling...I never been through this hurt before in my life...everything i did...i give my best...but for now...i wish i could juz not here...maybe that better...rather than make many people suffering in my life...i appreciated GOD gave me a life to enjoy this world that HE created...but..maybe...yeah maybe...i shud never be here in first place....
Conflicts
My tears always flows nowdays..i can say..almost every night..not only before i sleep..even when im alone...lonely n empty feeling...filling my heart...i cant bear anymore...
too much things to be done....i dont regret doin last mins...but i juz stress coz i no feeling or mood in doin it...i hate my assignment...juz plz stand away from me..if i could say that....if it really can be true....juz stay away from me...i dun wanna even think about it anymore...
I wanna cosplay this sunday...my dream nearly come true...i wish to cosplay since before...never thought it gonna be real..i tried every single things to make it be great...i dun expect it to be perfect...but i hope it would be interesting n maybe little attractive...i tried to make everything to look the same...but i know...it juz cant...still ahve little things to finish up n touch up....i juz wish my dream for this one will come true...
Im stress n tension...clash wif my assignment time...i know i shud do it sooner...but my heart stop me...as i said before..i feel like wanna drop the subject...but wat can i do..?i said to myself..i will try to finish it as best as i can...but wat come to my mind is...is it will make it?i more interested n care to my cosplay rather than assignment...it much to do...my head juz cant take it...i wanna focus on the things i like..i wanna make my dream come true...as my efforts in cosplay..all the money i save for it...i juz wish....juz for this one..at least for this year..or this time...or awhile...i wan it to come true...i juz wish i can forget about assignment for awhile...n enjoy my cosplay...
it hurt me that..how can i say to my parent..i wanna drop the subject..i dun wan them to worry or sad or disappoint in me...i gave so much burden to them...but it still no point if i continue...i would give more weight on them..i wanna stop now than making everyone more suffer...
now im thinking..im too stress...i wanna complete my cosplay things...but i wanna do assignment also..there no time for assignment anymore after this..i dun wan my cosplay day ruin juz like that...the dream i hoping before..till now...i dun wan it destroy straight away in front of me...it juz cant....seeing my assignment taking rule over my cosplay....it really cant be...feel like assignment ruin my dream...but i know..i cant say like that...yet...im still angry...furious n this hatred grows more everyday as i see...i cant make decision for my own life...im tired n exhausted...
plz...juz go away for awhile stress...i juz cant endure the pain n tears anymore...u juz too much for me..i wanna shout everytime i can...i wan fulfill wat i wan...juz lemme do it..for one day...lemme do my best in cosplay...make that one day...juz one day enuff for me to enjoy n feel the happiness i wish for since before...i dun ask for more...juz one day...i appreciate it deep from my heart...let it be the greatest n special day ever for me..
"Let my gasping be my breathing for a little tiny time for this vain heart..."
too much things to be done....i dont regret doin last mins...but i juz stress coz i no feeling or mood in doin it...i hate my assignment...juz plz stand away from me..if i could say that....if it really can be true....juz stay away from me...i dun wanna even think about it anymore...
I wanna cosplay this sunday...my dream nearly come true...i wish to cosplay since before...never thought it gonna be real..i tried every single things to make it be great...i dun expect it to be perfect...but i hope it would be interesting n maybe little attractive...i tried to make everything to look the same...but i know...it juz cant...still ahve little things to finish up n touch up....i juz wish my dream for this one will come true...
Im stress n tension...clash wif my assignment time...i know i shud do it sooner...but my heart stop me...as i said before..i feel like wanna drop the subject...but wat can i do..?i said to myself..i will try to finish it as best as i can...but wat come to my mind is...is it will make it?i more interested n care to my cosplay rather than assignment...it much to do...my head juz cant take it...i wanna focus on the things i like..i wanna make my dream come true...as my efforts in cosplay..all the money i save for it...i juz wish....juz for this one..at least for this year..or this time...or awhile...i wan it to come true...i juz wish i can forget about assignment for awhile...n enjoy my cosplay...
it hurt me that..how can i say to my parent..i wanna drop the subject..i dun wan them to worry or sad or disappoint in me...i gave so much burden to them...but it still no point if i continue...i would give more weight on them..i wanna stop now than making everyone more suffer...
now im thinking..im too stress...i wanna complete my cosplay things...but i wanna do assignment also..there no time for assignment anymore after this..i dun wan my cosplay day ruin juz like that...the dream i hoping before..till now...i dun wan it destroy straight away in front of me...it juz cant....seeing my assignment taking rule over my cosplay....it really cant be...feel like assignment ruin my dream...but i know..i cant say like that...yet...im still angry...furious n this hatred grows more everyday as i see...i cant make decision for my own life...im tired n exhausted...
plz...juz go away for awhile stress...i juz cant endure the pain n tears anymore...u juz too much for me..i wanna shout everytime i can...i wan fulfill wat i wan...juz lemme do it..for one day...lemme do my best in cosplay...make that one day...juz one day enuff for me to enjoy n feel the happiness i wish for since before...i dun ask for more...juz one day...i appreciate it deep from my heart...let it be the greatest n special day ever for me..
"Let my gasping be my breathing for a little tiny time for this vain heart..."
Wednesday, 14 December 2011
Transformation In Me That I Couldnt Stop
It hurt that i no longer feel mood on study,,,,i did take the course that i love but i never thought this would happen...
I luv animation..yesh....i do..much....since i was kid...i love to draw...many people keep comnpliments on my drawing...never thought i had that kind of talent...i feel lucky to have it n i feel excited wif it...
Many people express their heart through anything they like....I took drawing as my place to express all in me....I feel wonderful n calm everytime i draw wat i like...never feel so peace as when the time i draw...
In my high school life...i even draw on table n even text books...even my frens said...u dun have anu other places more to draw....u really drawing addict..never stop....but luckily the drawing wat make me wake up everytime in class when im sleepy...it juz feel too nice when i draw...
when i wanna go to uni life....i feel so excited that i wanna take the course that i want....im blur n confuse which Uni i shud go...my relative promoted me one Uni...i thought first it juz okay2...then when he said his daughter learn there...n aldy graduate...the Uni really good n kind of famous....reputation nice....i saw the courses....so excited when my dad said my course is there...the one i like....i was so noob that time...im still immature....i juz follow wat the best people said...my parent knew wat i like..so they never stop me to get it...i appreciated that they understand me....
I thought the course gonna be awesome....drawing much n showing how to animate n more on drawing skill...i was so passionate that time...i jzu follow it...in foundation time..i had a great memories wif my frens...i luv doin all the assignment even thought im lazy..last min person...yeah...i admit it....but still...i ahve the courage n spirit to do wat i like in the course....
Slowly i change toward degree...for the first short sem..still okay coz my frens always there to support me...they gain my courage....thanks to them....my result was ok that time..i know it gonna be that worse coz im lazy....
I realize i been more n more lazy toward my course...but never thought i will change much like this...after the short sem..the long sem begin,...i feel so horrible i couldnt understand myself anymore...i dun really get wat i want..everything i did is a mistakes n always not rite for me....my passion for drawing became so hopeless now..as i realize my subject too much on software...it not like i hate the software...not like i dun wanna try or experience it...but...my heart juz not into that....im not old fashion...yet i luv drawing traditional more than using software...too much adobe...too much on the computer...
Before ...even i sick..my spirit still not change...i still come to class...now...i always get sick..stress n tension wif the things i do....it really pain that i hate the things that i do now...my sleep time become my nightmare as everytime i wanna go sleep...i think about assignment too much till i cant stand it...it took me many hours juz to get sleep....it worrying me about my health...my health became more worse now than before...my eyesight became more blur...im scare wif it coz...my eyes never feel that way before..i knew one day my eyes sight will fade away slowly..lil by lil..but i dun wan it to be this soon...before i really have no prob wif my eyes...now really terrible...even my back hurt so much..many times...lack of sleep...only how many hours i sleep...i know my course like that...will not have enough sleep...plus if u did last min....like me..
Im juz too stress....the thing that i luv..become the thing that i hate now..i dun wan hate drawing..i dun wan that....the one who set my dream....become my dream destroyer also....how hurt is that....im not regret taking my course..i juz feel so dumb y i didnt check earlier or gain info about the courses give....
Now i heard they will stop promoting my course..they change to new course aldy...made me scare n confuse n more tension...which one shud i do..i wanna drop subject...but if the course not yet given..how can i continue later...if i drop the course...wat im gonna take....juz wat EXACTLY i want here?
Seem like i dunno myself anymore...feel like the burden made my heart stop from loving everything that come to me...i dun wanna troubles others..i know if i drop or change the course...things will be more complicated..i amde more people suffering...but wat can i do....if i not stop myself now...wat will happen next?i scare to burden others too much....if i have no interest in wat i do anymore...everything i do for the course will be vain...all my marks will be so horrible for sure....no point in that...that y i wanna stop now...i know people will stop me..giving advices to me..dun give up...n continue..it the thing u like...u aldy been this far dun drop...u aldy try ur best..try more...but in my heart really stab me out....i dunno wat to reply to them..they so nice to me..i jzu dun wan make them more sad or worry about me...i dun wan tell lie neither...yet...i really wanna say...my heart juz not feel the same anymore...i feel like wat i like is my doom now...i juz wanna feel the old memories back where i not scare or fear to try something new in me...everything that i do..i will give full of me n express everything out...not like now..i can say...even 1% is juz not there....really not there....how can i make this through?i know it hard for me to express the exact thing to everyone...they do understand my problems....but like many people said...they do understand outside but hardly for inside...how many times u try to explain..it juz not on the way u wanna express it...it not that easy to say wat u feel deeply...
I wanna cry....but i dunno how...too much tears also no point now...like this tears will change the past or things now to be more better....will never do...my course consist like imagination n fantasy feeling....now wat i see juz reality..u can be in fantasy..but the reality is hurt...really feel lonely...empty n lost....
What shud i do now?if i drop i will feel better?if i continue will i make others happier?y im like this?do i really wanna stop now...wanna be this hopeless n heartless?do this things is the thing that i want....really?wat shud i say to others?how can i make into sentences to make others understand my pains?the questions pop out in my mind everytime....made me more stress..never feel this way before...now i knew y Uni people said they love school time more..even the school schedule tight....for Uni life juz the assignment time is complicated...
Memories cant be happen twice...cant never expect the things to be the same....it juz not the way life is...
It killing me everytime i want to find myself back...i keep saying n giving spirit to myself...try to make things same as before...i try every single things i did before so i can be myself once more....but wat i see now...not even one i try to do...can destroy the wall between me now..n myself before...
How can i end this exhausting n unstoppable pains that keep flowing towards me...I juz wish a lil bit of light...it would be enough...juz a lil..n...awhile.....
"I realize...I'm juz a person who tried to gasping every tiny things back to normal which i know i will always trapped in vain no matter how hard i walk through....."
I luv animation..yesh....i do..much....since i was kid...i love to draw...many people keep comnpliments on my drawing...never thought i had that kind of talent...i feel lucky to have it n i feel excited wif it...
Many people express their heart through anything they like....I took drawing as my place to express all in me....I feel wonderful n calm everytime i draw wat i like...never feel so peace as when the time i draw...
In my high school life...i even draw on table n even text books...even my frens said...u dun have anu other places more to draw....u really drawing addict..never stop....but luckily the drawing wat make me wake up everytime in class when im sleepy...it juz feel too nice when i draw...
when i wanna go to uni life....i feel so excited that i wanna take the course that i want....im blur n confuse which Uni i shud go...my relative promoted me one Uni...i thought first it juz okay2...then when he said his daughter learn there...n aldy graduate...the Uni really good n kind of famous....reputation nice....i saw the courses....so excited when my dad said my course is there...the one i like....i was so noob that time...im still immature....i juz follow wat the best people said...my parent knew wat i like..so they never stop me to get it...i appreciated that they understand me....
I thought the course gonna be awesome....drawing much n showing how to animate n more on drawing skill...i was so passionate that time...i jzu follow it...in foundation time..i had a great memories wif my frens...i luv doin all the assignment even thought im lazy..last min person...yeah...i admit it....but still...i ahve the courage n spirit to do wat i like in the course....
Slowly i change toward degree...for the first short sem..still okay coz my frens always there to support me...they gain my courage....thanks to them....my result was ok that time..i know it gonna be that worse coz im lazy....
I realize i been more n more lazy toward my course...but never thought i will change much like this...after the short sem..the long sem begin,...i feel so horrible i couldnt understand myself anymore...i dun really get wat i want..everything i did is a mistakes n always not rite for me....my passion for drawing became so hopeless now..as i realize my subject too much on software...it not like i hate the software...not like i dun wanna try or experience it...but...my heart juz not into that....im not old fashion...yet i luv drawing traditional more than using software...too much adobe...too much on the computer...
Before ...even i sick..my spirit still not change...i still come to class...now...i always get sick..stress n tension wif the things i do....it really pain that i hate the things that i do now...my sleep time become my nightmare as everytime i wanna go sleep...i think about assignment too much till i cant stand it...it took me many hours juz to get sleep....it worrying me about my health...my health became more worse now than before...my eyesight became more blur...im scare wif it coz...my eyes never feel that way before..i knew one day my eyes sight will fade away slowly..lil by lil..but i dun wan it to be this soon...before i really have no prob wif my eyes...now really terrible...even my back hurt so much..many times...lack of sleep...only how many hours i sleep...i know my course like that...will not have enough sleep...plus if u did last min....like me..
Im juz too stress....the thing that i luv..become the thing that i hate now..i dun wan hate drawing..i dun wan that....the one who set my dream....become my dream destroyer also....how hurt is that....im not regret taking my course..i juz feel so dumb y i didnt check earlier or gain info about the courses give....
Now i heard they will stop promoting my course..they change to new course aldy...made me scare n confuse n more tension...which one shud i do..i wanna drop subject...but if the course not yet given..how can i continue later...if i drop the course...wat im gonna take....juz wat EXACTLY i want here?
Seem like i dunno myself anymore...feel like the burden made my heart stop from loving everything that come to me...i dun wanna troubles others..i know if i drop or change the course...things will be more complicated..i amde more people suffering...but wat can i do....if i not stop myself now...wat will happen next?i scare to burden others too much....if i have no interest in wat i do anymore...everything i do for the course will be vain...all my marks will be so horrible for sure....no point in that...that y i wanna stop now...i know people will stop me..giving advices to me..dun give up...n continue..it the thing u like...u aldy been this far dun drop...u aldy try ur best..try more...but in my heart really stab me out....i dunno wat to reply to them..they so nice to me..i jzu dun wan make them more sad or worry about me...i dun wan tell lie neither...yet...i really wanna say...my heart juz not feel the same anymore...i feel like wat i like is my doom now...i juz wanna feel the old memories back where i not scare or fear to try something new in me...everything that i do..i will give full of me n express everything out...not like now..i can say...even 1% is juz not there....really not there....how can i make this through?i know it hard for me to express the exact thing to everyone...they do understand my problems....but like many people said...they do understand outside but hardly for inside...how many times u try to explain..it juz not on the way u wanna express it...it not that easy to say wat u feel deeply...
I wanna cry....but i dunno how...too much tears also no point now...like this tears will change the past or things now to be more better....will never do...my course consist like imagination n fantasy feeling....now wat i see juz reality..u can be in fantasy..but the reality is hurt...really feel lonely...empty n lost....
What shud i do now?if i drop i will feel better?if i continue will i make others happier?y im like this?do i really wanna stop now...wanna be this hopeless n heartless?do this things is the thing that i want....really?wat shud i say to others?how can i make into sentences to make others understand my pains?the questions pop out in my mind everytime....made me more stress..never feel this way before...now i knew y Uni people said they love school time more..even the school schedule tight....for Uni life juz the assignment time is complicated...
Memories cant be happen twice...cant never expect the things to be the same....it juz not the way life is...
It killing me everytime i want to find myself back...i keep saying n giving spirit to myself...try to make things same as before...i try every single things i did before so i can be myself once more....but wat i see now...not even one i try to do...can destroy the wall between me now..n myself before...
How can i end this exhausting n unstoppable pains that keep flowing towards me...I juz wish a lil bit of light...it would be enough...juz a lil..n...awhile.....
"I realize...I'm juz a person who tried to gasping every tiny things back to normal which i know i will always trapped in vain no matter how hard i walk through....."
Friday, 25 November 2011
Feeling guilty
Sorry for making u guys worried...maybe im juz too down that time..dunno....every human have their limit...maybe i juz couldnt stand that time...i express everything...but i know i shouldnt be like that..shud not easily give up in anything that i love...im glad having u guys as frens n my family...all this time u guys always there for me..i will do the same to u guys...coz everything that come to my life..i will take it preciously...
urghh should stop being so emo....grrrrrrrrrrrr....i shud be more confident n trusting myself...this life have up n down..y am i so weak....
No matter wat coming in the future...as long i know wat my dreams is...i will never...NEVER stop believing it will come true one day...still remains the same for my dreams...
ohohooho...monday holiday..so damn awesome..!! can relax a bit..errr...juz a bit...!! lol....
psstt : watching merlin season 4 now...so epic than the last season....!! even though kinda same..which like merlin saving the day...but the story or synopsis more greater..more interesting wif suspense n fighting..
urghh should stop being so emo....grrrrrrrrrrrr....i shud be more confident n trusting myself...this life have up n down..y am i so weak....
No matter wat coming in the future...as long i know wat my dreams is...i will never...NEVER stop believing it will come true one day...still remains the same for my dreams...
ohohooho...monday holiday..so damn awesome..!! can relax a bit..errr...juz a bit...!! lol....
psstt : watching merlin season 4 now...so epic than the last season....!! even though kinda same..which like merlin saving the day...but the story or synopsis more greater..more interesting wif suspense n fighting..
Monday, 21 November 2011
I'm Not Ready
I know..im so emo n sentimental..most of my post is emo story...but wat can i do..it not easy to express sadness to others...at least this blog reduce a lil bit of my pains...i can say n express watever i wan...even some of it still remain secret...
Lot of things happen lately..feel like my heart begin to burst out...it so pain that no one can ever understand it... yeahh..family n frens do help me in certain things..i appreciated all the things they did to me..comfort n made my life more happier day by day....really glad having them in my life...but for this case...it so hard to explain...
I dun even understand myself anymore...I'm not like the one i used to be...i luv to smile before...now also..but my smiles now begin to look fake...not sincerely come from my heart like in the past...how happy n excited for me to smile coz every single smile reduce my pains n at least i hope others who see me smile will show the same to me...im the type who scare people think negative about me at first sight..that y i aldy plant smiling attitude each times i meet someone...yeaa...i got critique n tease a lot also..it is hurt...they said.. "y u smile always like u dun have anything to do anymore"..."y u smile when it not necessary..it looks hideous"..."y u smile often..it looks stupid"..."y u always smile that dun u feel tired?"......y...?....y need i stop my smile when that the only thing that can make me happy even for a lil....i smile to hide my sadness...i smile so people know im sincerely dun wanna have bad judgement from them....i smile to those who sad so they can gain their strength back...i smile...coz i know...nothing wrong with it as long it didnt hurt anyone...n give pleasure to others...
3 paragraphs...only i start this...I'm not ready....really really n really not...I knew something was not right at the time i step myself into 20 years old...which is yesterday...im not ready for adult world yet...not bcoz i wan freedom or fun...or anything that related to teen life...i juz not ready to carry the weight in adult life...i know...we grow older day by day not younger...want or not...it my life that i need to experience it myself...if i didnt step to adult world...how can i live far further...yeshh..i keep telling that to myself...but it not that easy...it is hurt...when someone said..."u aldy 20..act like one..u not child anymore..."....."u ady 20...think matured enuff..dun make fool things...u aldy can think wat right n wrong about something..so go with it.."....u aldy 20...not teen anymore..so dun make anything that embarassing.....".."see ur lil sister..more matured than u...wat the age of u again? 20 rite? hmmmmm aldy 20...y ur attitude not like ur sis..."...."u shud change place wif ur sis...ur sis more better in ur place...u so childish...".....kind of hurt...but wat can i do...i didnt blame them..i know im wrong too..the fact im grow older...made me wanna be younger...how many times people encourage me...my heart still saying the same...it is not same like how i used to be...it will never be same..once u step to this world..the risk.challenges...obstacles..up n down...not easy like saying through ur mouth...it need to be prove by to make them believe in u that u aldy 20...or matured enuff...but me...i dun even have half of the characteristic yet...my heart still avoid me from going through to that space...
I'm not ready....really not ready...so not ready..........
Studying in university...more fun than school...yeah..coz not so tough timetable like school...but school far better in homework/assignment...i took the course that i want in my Uni...i thought that was the best for me..since i luv it very much...n luv my Uni also..my frens n surrounding...so calm n happy...but...time passed...it getting tougher than i thought...yeaa i know...other people can make it..but y not me?coz it ME...not THEM...most people said stop comparing urself to others...now i stop comparing myself..isnt it rite?it me...coz my heart said something wrong with it....the time i step myself in degree...i never thought i will become so stress n tension...yesh again..i know it normal...it Uni life...so y am i so weak...well...i am weak..i admit it at least....wat i see in myself now....i keep depend on others...till at some limit...i feel so guilty n embarassing to them who lend their hand to me...i keep asking their help n never learn to do it myself...i always knew this attitude of mine...but it hard for me to destroy it...sometime i feel like im a burden to my frens...i tried do it myself...i know i can..some of it i manage to do it...but some still remain the same...complicated n killing me...that y i couldnt stop myself from asking others..even though it really annoying n disturbing of me to distract them...really deep guilty...feel like they have their life but i took some of their times juz coz of my weakness....sorry guys...really sorry...eqa...mun..omar...n mostly taiki...sorry so much troubling u a lot....
Other things....I'm still not ready....it killing me knowing my worse attitude ever never change....do something last mins...especially assignment..n something important...always got scolded by my parent n even my frens n relatives...i didnt deny it...i am that way...so i take the blame...but after last sem...which i did last mins n i nearly faint...but gladly still can survive it..juz went to clinic checked my health....it the worse time ever happen to me regarding Uni life...so i aldy change my mind..i will never do last mins again..never...!....But then...in this moment...i feel like...i wanna shut down myself...when u promised to urself...u tried to never break the promise...but i broke it many times aldy...i still did ast mins this sem...n it hurting me a lot...not even me..other people also..i never learn my mistakes..i never learn the worse from it...even i knew...even i really knew...i still did the same...i dunno wat wrong wif me...people do said it hard to change urself...now i know y...it not like a piece of cake to change something in u...even u try ur best...coz it aldy part of u...my last mins attitude aldy shown from school life...but never thought i still bring it to my Uni life...Yeaaa...it kind of hurt that ur last mins attitude made others suffered...i aldy mess up all things...gave so much burden to my parent...they help me a lot...giving advices to me...encourage me to be more better...sometime i feel im so useless...im juz made others suffer n stress coz of my attitude....i wanna change...i really do...but i also dunno y it still the same...it really pain me out...when u try so hard...it still remains the same....sorry so much to my parent..n my frens also those who already get troubles coz of me..sincerely sorry...
Lately...so much things happen...I cant even concentrate on my study...im getting sick so many times..n not submit my assignments..i feel so guilty n stress about that...n some family problems...last time..my sis need to stay at the hospital for some days coz of her old sickness n new sickness...i feel sad n sorry for my sis...seeing her like that really made me feel guilty...coz..before...im the one who always sick...it like if im not sick in 1 month..it will be weird..my antibody weak....not like my sis..hard to get disease...but...never thought she will get these kind of disease....hope she can recover soon...she still sick till now...cough n fever..never see she in that condition before...made me sad...plus with my grandma...she staying at my cousin house..my aunt taking care of her...but..my mom always went there to take care of her too...she stay at hospital also that time same wif my sis n even my grandpa stay at hospital for few days...i dunno wat to say...it like..these time been hard time for me...when my grandma n sis at hospital..it is the day when we celebrating hari raya aidil adha...really made me feel more sad...even many relatives came celebrate together at the hospital but...it more better at home celebrate together rite...n even some others family problems happen..not gonna say..it personal....n even study probs...sometime i feel like wanna quit Uni for awhile..i keep giving troubles to others...n even feel like im taking wrong course...it really hurt me...my mind confuse..is that really wat i wan...i never thought it gonna be that tough which using many software...wat i wan before juz like traditional drawing...n express urself to it...many times i said that i wanna give up aldy...but i still keep on it...coz of my frens n family...but now...i really think maybe it is good for me to quit awhile..or change course...im tired...im really exhausted... never thought so much problems came to me at the same time....im juz normal human being...too much things will cause me to go crazy...
I juz....wanna be myself once before...yet..i realize...half of me aldy gone since that time...will never be the same for twice...n will never remain the same for the things u like...
Lot of things happen lately..feel like my heart begin to burst out...it so pain that no one can ever understand it... yeahh..family n frens do help me in certain things..i appreciated all the things they did to me..comfort n made my life more happier day by day....really glad having them in my life...but for this case...it so hard to explain...
I dun even understand myself anymore...I'm not like the one i used to be...i luv to smile before...now also..but my smiles now begin to look fake...not sincerely come from my heart like in the past...how happy n excited for me to smile coz every single smile reduce my pains n at least i hope others who see me smile will show the same to me...im the type who scare people think negative about me at first sight..that y i aldy plant smiling attitude each times i meet someone...yeaa...i got critique n tease a lot also..it is hurt...they said.. "y u smile always like u dun have anything to do anymore"..."y u smile when it not necessary..it looks hideous"..."y u smile often..it looks stupid"..."y u always smile that dun u feel tired?"......y...?....y need i stop my smile when that the only thing that can make me happy even for a lil....i smile to hide my sadness...i smile so people know im sincerely dun wanna have bad judgement from them....i smile to those who sad so they can gain their strength back...i smile...coz i know...nothing wrong with it as long it didnt hurt anyone...n give pleasure to others...
3 paragraphs...only i start this...I'm not ready....really really n really not...I knew something was not right at the time i step myself into 20 years old...which is yesterday...im not ready for adult world yet...not bcoz i wan freedom or fun...or anything that related to teen life...i juz not ready to carry the weight in adult life...i know...we grow older day by day not younger...want or not...it my life that i need to experience it myself...if i didnt step to adult world...how can i live far further...yeshh..i keep telling that to myself...but it not that easy...it is hurt...when someone said..."u aldy 20..act like one..u not child anymore..."....."u ady 20...think matured enuff..dun make fool things...u aldy can think wat right n wrong about something..so go with it.."....u aldy 20...not teen anymore..so dun make anything that embarassing.....".."see ur lil sister..more matured than u...wat the age of u again? 20 rite? hmmmmm aldy 20...y ur attitude not like ur sis..."...."u shud change place wif ur sis...ur sis more better in ur place...u so childish...".....kind of hurt...but wat can i do...i didnt blame them..i know im wrong too..the fact im grow older...made me wanna be younger...how many times people encourage me...my heart still saying the same...it is not same like how i used to be...it will never be same..once u step to this world..the risk.challenges...obstacles..up n down...not easy like saying through ur mouth...it need to be prove by to make them believe in u that u aldy 20...or matured enuff...but me...i dun even have half of the characteristic yet...my heart still avoid me from going through to that space...
I'm not ready....really not ready...so not ready..........
Studying in university...more fun than school...yeah..coz not so tough timetable like school...but school far better in homework/assignment...i took the course that i want in my Uni...i thought that was the best for me..since i luv it very much...n luv my Uni also..my frens n surrounding...so calm n happy...but...time passed...it getting tougher than i thought...yeaa i know...other people can make it..but y not me?coz it ME...not THEM...most people said stop comparing urself to others...now i stop comparing myself..isnt it rite?it me...coz my heart said something wrong with it....the time i step myself in degree...i never thought i will become so stress n tension...yesh again..i know it normal...it Uni life...so y am i so weak...well...i am weak..i admit it at least....wat i see in myself now....i keep depend on others...till at some limit...i feel so guilty n embarassing to them who lend their hand to me...i keep asking their help n never learn to do it myself...i always knew this attitude of mine...but it hard for me to destroy it...sometime i feel like im a burden to my frens...i tried do it myself...i know i can..some of it i manage to do it...but some still remain the same...complicated n killing me...that y i couldnt stop myself from asking others..even though it really annoying n disturbing of me to distract them...really deep guilty...feel like they have their life but i took some of their times juz coz of my weakness....sorry guys...really sorry...eqa...mun..omar...n mostly taiki...sorry so much troubling u a lot....
Other things....I'm still not ready....it killing me knowing my worse attitude ever never change....do something last mins...especially assignment..n something important...always got scolded by my parent n even my frens n relatives...i didnt deny it...i am that way...so i take the blame...but after last sem...which i did last mins n i nearly faint...but gladly still can survive it..juz went to clinic checked my health....it the worse time ever happen to me regarding Uni life...so i aldy change my mind..i will never do last mins again..never...!....But then...in this moment...i feel like...i wanna shut down myself...when u promised to urself...u tried to never break the promise...but i broke it many times aldy...i still did ast mins this sem...n it hurting me a lot...not even me..other people also..i never learn my mistakes..i never learn the worse from it...even i knew...even i really knew...i still did the same...i dunno wat wrong wif me...people do said it hard to change urself...now i know y...it not like a piece of cake to change something in u...even u try ur best...coz it aldy part of u...my last mins attitude aldy shown from school life...but never thought i still bring it to my Uni life...Yeaaa...it kind of hurt that ur last mins attitude made others suffered...i aldy mess up all things...gave so much burden to my parent...they help me a lot...giving advices to me...encourage me to be more better...sometime i feel im so useless...im juz made others suffer n stress coz of my attitude....i wanna change...i really do...but i also dunno y it still the same...it really pain me out...when u try so hard...it still remains the same....sorry so much to my parent..n my frens also those who already get troubles coz of me..sincerely sorry...
Lately...so much things happen...I cant even concentrate on my study...im getting sick so many times..n not submit my assignments..i feel so guilty n stress about that...n some family problems...last time..my sis need to stay at the hospital for some days coz of her old sickness n new sickness...i feel sad n sorry for my sis...seeing her like that really made me feel guilty...coz..before...im the one who always sick...it like if im not sick in 1 month..it will be weird..my antibody weak....not like my sis..hard to get disease...but...never thought she will get these kind of disease....hope she can recover soon...she still sick till now...cough n fever..never see she in that condition before...made me sad...plus with my grandma...she staying at my cousin house..my aunt taking care of her...but..my mom always went there to take care of her too...she stay at hospital also that time same wif my sis n even my grandpa stay at hospital for few days...i dunno wat to say...it like..these time been hard time for me...when my grandma n sis at hospital..it is the day when we celebrating hari raya aidil adha...really made me feel more sad...even many relatives came celebrate together at the hospital but...it more better at home celebrate together rite...n even some others family problems happen..not gonna say..it personal....n even study probs...sometime i feel like wanna quit Uni for awhile..i keep giving troubles to others...n even feel like im taking wrong course...it really hurt me...my mind confuse..is that really wat i wan...i never thought it gonna be that tough which using many software...wat i wan before juz like traditional drawing...n express urself to it...many times i said that i wanna give up aldy...but i still keep on it...coz of my frens n family...but now...i really think maybe it is good for me to quit awhile..or change course...im tired...im really exhausted... never thought so much problems came to me at the same time....im juz normal human being...too much things will cause me to go crazy...
I juz....wanna be myself once before...yet..i realize...half of me aldy gone since that time...will never be the same for twice...n will never remain the same for the things u like...
Sunday, 23 October 2011
Hidden Tears
Life...not so easy..I know...we the one shud try the best in making our life more beautiful...but mine...nearly reach those shining light each times i gave all of me ...unfortunately....drown in the lake of darkness...
Tried to stop myself from thinking so far...I know the result would hurt me deeply...if I keep on caring about those or the things that dun even see me exist...maybe im so dumb...yeah...more worse....it complicated...not all feelings easily to be confess out through this mouth....it hurt deeply...
I realize...since that day...this smile on my face so fake...it not the real me that i know...i knew..people change..so do i...but this changes on me...not making it more encouraging...but rather fail me down...
People keep saying i shud be matured...i realized im not matured enuff for my age now...but...if that the real me..y shud i change..i know..some of the things i need to..want or not..that i dun mind..but if u said to change almost half of me..better dun say anything...i am who i am...it hurt so much when i give my best to be wat people want...even i know..im so fool for it...i shud not easily make myself weak...yet they dun even realize my hardwork in trying to make them satisfy...
But for my lovable people..I sincerely love n appreciate those who really understand n care or love me as the way i am...those people really sweet people i have ever known..n i will never let them go in my life...thanks to them...any mistakes i made..they still stay wif me...im touched...thank u so much for all the things u guys did to me...deeply thanks from the bottom of my heart...
I luv myself once before..which i never give up in any of the obstacles that facing me...my spirit so high that no one can stop my self confidence....but me now..like seeing bomb that nearly explode....waiting for the time to be 0..n everything over....i know..shud not think this way..i shud be tough...this is the way of life is...but...which human can stand the pains that come non stop n feel..so lonely...sorrow...shadow...everything related to dark haunting u....
I dunno wat happen to myself...i dun even know wat exactly i wan now..the person who always tried to catch her dreams n smile n put every single of her feelings through watever that she do...put her heart n soul in everything which made her feel more fresh..calm n peace....even when the most thing that she love to do which is drawing seem like annoying to her now...is that wat i really want for the rest of my life starting now...of course no...but it not that easy to change back to old days....
Pains keep coming when feel this heart cant even flows the spirit to this hand to create a wonderful n lively drawings like before...n cant even continue to be strong n confident since that days...
Remembering memories...more hurt stabbing through this heart....go back to those sweet times....then realize...now...not the same as that time...memories cant be happen twice...cant be create twice...cant be act twice.....reality is cruel....most people said that...if me before..i will said..who care about those reality as long u did ur best n believe in urself...but me now...i dun think so..i rather see it so true that i cant even deny it anymore...
Maybe before i can say n lie to myself..u can do this....u so strong..dun care about others...u did a good job...dun give up...u will find ur happiness..ur hardwork will be repay n so on...yet...this moment...those words like not even go through my ears...then how can this heart accept those words again...
I wanna shout..I wanna cry all of me...but..I guess i will always be in this weak position...always get bully easily...forgot how to fight back...keep myself low...quarantine myself with my fantasy like i did once before...but always treasure those n the things that really priceless to me...
Everytime I sad...i will create some poems...Bring back those poems made me calm a bit...
Here some of my poems...not that awesome..but exist from deep in my heart... :-
*In this moment,I realized that the diamond was a fake,
At the end of time,I still holding my empty hand compare to urs,
This shattered heart can't even be replace with billion of golds,
My weak body that I used to live in this cruel and unfair world have been separated from it soul,
So pathetic,I'm not more or less than a doll which always be toying around with a heartless person like You.
*Starting with ur love....Ending with ur leave,
U made it impossible...For my heart to achieve,
Without I realize...My tears flooding in my eyes,
And begin to rain slowly...This pains feel so heavy,
How can I continue this life?...You far away from my side,
This emptiness...Full of loneliness,
This shadow...Fill with sorrow,
Will this hurt fade away?...As time goes by everyday.......~
*If seeing me exist is a torture for ur eyes,
Express the truth from the bottom of ur heart,
Leaves falling around the trees,
Dancing freely as the soft breeze keep on company,
Until when will I get the answers from ur silent mode,
Towards all my questions that been bold,
If that times really point a date to meet,
Which I wish maybe the day of light will at least be a little part of me.
Tried to stop myself from thinking so far...I know the result would hurt me deeply...if I keep on caring about those or the things that dun even see me exist...maybe im so dumb...yeah...more worse....it complicated...not all feelings easily to be confess out through this mouth....it hurt deeply...
I realize...since that day...this smile on my face so fake...it not the real me that i know...i knew..people change..so do i...but this changes on me...not making it more encouraging...but rather fail me down...
People keep saying i shud be matured...i realized im not matured enuff for my age now...but...if that the real me..y shud i change..i know..some of the things i need to..want or not..that i dun mind..but if u said to change almost half of me..better dun say anything...i am who i am...it hurt so much when i give my best to be wat people want...even i know..im so fool for it...i shud not easily make myself weak...yet they dun even realize my hardwork in trying to make them satisfy...
But for my lovable people..I sincerely love n appreciate those who really understand n care or love me as the way i am...those people really sweet people i have ever known..n i will never let them go in my life...thanks to them...any mistakes i made..they still stay wif me...im touched...thank u so much for all the things u guys did to me...deeply thanks from the bottom of my heart...
I luv myself once before..which i never give up in any of the obstacles that facing me...my spirit so high that no one can stop my self confidence....but me now..like seeing bomb that nearly explode....waiting for the time to be 0..n everything over....i know..shud not think this way..i shud be tough...this is the way of life is...but...which human can stand the pains that come non stop n feel..so lonely...sorrow...shadow...everything related to dark haunting u....
I dunno wat happen to myself...i dun even know wat exactly i wan now..the person who always tried to catch her dreams n smile n put every single of her feelings through watever that she do...put her heart n soul in everything which made her feel more fresh..calm n peace....even when the most thing that she love to do which is drawing seem like annoying to her now...is that wat i really want for the rest of my life starting now...of course no...but it not that easy to change back to old days....
Pains keep coming when feel this heart cant even flows the spirit to this hand to create a wonderful n lively drawings like before...n cant even continue to be strong n confident since that days...
Remembering memories...more hurt stabbing through this heart....go back to those sweet times....then realize...now...not the same as that time...memories cant be happen twice...cant be create twice...cant be act twice.....reality is cruel....most people said that...if me before..i will said..who care about those reality as long u did ur best n believe in urself...but me now...i dun think so..i rather see it so true that i cant even deny it anymore...
Maybe before i can say n lie to myself..u can do this....u so strong..dun care about others...u did a good job...dun give up...u will find ur happiness..ur hardwork will be repay n so on...yet...this moment...those words like not even go through my ears...then how can this heart accept those words again...
I wanna shout..I wanna cry all of me...but..I guess i will always be in this weak position...always get bully easily...forgot how to fight back...keep myself low...quarantine myself with my fantasy like i did once before...but always treasure those n the things that really priceless to me...
Everytime I sad...i will create some poems...Bring back those poems made me calm a bit...
Here some of my poems...not that awesome..but exist from deep in my heart... :-
*In this moment,I realized that the diamond was a fake,
At the end of time,I still holding my empty hand compare to urs,
This shattered heart can't even be replace with billion of golds,
My weak body that I used to live in this cruel and unfair world have been separated from it soul,
So pathetic,I'm not more or less than a doll which always be toying around with a heartless person like You.
*Starting with ur love....Ending with ur leave,
U made it impossible...For my heart to achieve,
Without I realize...My tears flooding in my eyes,
And begin to rain slowly...This pains feel so heavy,
How can I continue this life?...You far away from my side,
This emptiness...Full of loneliness,
This shadow...Fill with sorrow,
Will this hurt fade away?...As time goes by everyday.......~
*If seeing me exist is a torture for ur eyes,
Express the truth from the bottom of ur heart,
Leaves falling around the trees,
Dancing freely as the soft breeze keep on company,
Until when will I get the answers from ur silent mode,
Towards all my questions that been bold,
If that times really point a date to meet,
Which I wish maybe the day of light will at least be a little part of me.
Sunday, 16 October 2011
Result/New Semester
Just saw my result yesterday...Im very happy with it...It not so wonderful but at least im satisfied with it...coz i know...im lazy for the last sem..I ruined many things...troubled many peoples...really feel guilty for that...Thank u for everything to everyone in my life...i appreciate every single things that u done for me..Im the type of person who hardly confess like sorry or thank you to anyone...so hope u guys accept my sincerity in here...luv u guys a lot...
New sem....woahhhh...!! still continue from the last blog that i post...ahahahah...yeahhh kinda.....still not satisfy with it..holiday...for me still not enough...arghhhhhhhhhhh i want more holiday....
I did said i wanna try my best for this new sem...sighhhh.....maybe for the second week of new sem..LOL...
ohhhh myy...!! i got so many excuses...i dun wanna come for the first week of new sem...how terrible is that...well...i do...will try my best...hope everything gonna be okay for this new sem...
Happy ending holiday guys...n Happy new sem to all of u...!! My heart burst to cry....(T.T)
New sem....woahhhh...!! still continue from the last blog that i post...ahahahah...yeahhh kinda.....still not satisfy with it..holiday...for me still not enough...arghhhhhhhhhhh i want more holiday....
I did said i wanna try my best for this new sem...sighhhh.....maybe for the second week of new sem..LOL...
ohhhh myy...!! i got so many excuses...i dun wanna come for the first week of new sem...how terrible is that...well...i do...will try my best...hope everything gonna be okay for this new sem...
Happy ending holiday guys...n Happy new sem to all of u...!! My heart burst to cry....(T.T)
Friday, 14 October 2011
New Semester
Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....Im not ready yet for new sem...it only 2 weeks holiday..maybe for some people it enough..but for me....my stress n tension from last sem still stick with me...sighhhhh~
Plus with exam result...i cant bear with it...really nervous n my heartbeat beat fast everytime think about it...i cant even sleep well n stress thinking about exam...i admit i didnt did very well last sem...regret now also no point..but i juz wish the exam result will be okay..it enough for me...(T.T)
New sem plz be better for me..i wanna do my best...<<<< i know i keep saying the same things each sem..but after wat happen...i dun wan be like that anymore..tired n exhausted...torturing myself n also other people around me...i gave lot troubles...n i appreciate also wanna say thank u very much to those who helping n encourage me all this time..thanks a lot...
will try my best...not awesome or fabulous but better...yoshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! i will not give up..!! plz gimme another chance...!!
Plus with exam result...i cant bear with it...really nervous n my heartbeat beat fast everytime think about it...i cant even sleep well n stress thinking about exam...i admit i didnt did very well last sem...regret now also no point..but i juz wish the exam result will be okay..it enough for me...(T.T)
New sem plz be better for me..i wanna do my best...<<<< i know i keep saying the same things each sem..but after wat happen...i dun wan be like that anymore..tired n exhausted...torturing myself n also other people around me...i gave lot troubles...n i appreciate also wanna say thank u very much to those who helping n encourage me all this time..thanks a lot...
will try my best...not awesome or fabulous but better...yoshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! i will not give up..!! plz gimme another chance...!!
Monday, 10 October 2011
Well..everyone keep talking about twitter...Since before..I wanna make one account of it but then...when i gave many thoughts of it again..i had too much sites like FB..Myspace..Blogger..Tagged n much more...so I scare if i make twitter..too much to be open later...im lazy..=.="
But then after many times heard about twitter lately...n i have nothing to do..so i wanna try seeing this twitter n how it works...lol...so i juz created one n it not that hard to learn at first...i thought it will be complicated since friendster..myspace..blogger even facebook at first time..im a bit confuse to it..=.="
I know it a bit...errrr...fine....so late for me making this twitter...=.=" while most people aldy advanced wif it..
well...who care...i wanna have experiences while adventuring this twitter...>.< even aldy so outdated of me...aahhaha...
Someone told me..we can tweet wif our fav artist...or singer...or anyone u want if they REALLY have one account of it...n some said they do reply ur tweet...depend on the artist...but then for me...im not really sure...is that really true?im not saying all fake but...juz...it juz....hard? i know artist too busy but still have their time for tweet n fb or any other sites...but then...sometime i feel when the artist replied...it not like the artist attitude to reply in that way...coz when i see them on tv or on the stage or any media...they seem different...yeahhh.. i know people can be different on real life than on the internet..games..or sites...or chatting....=.=" seeing one fan saying like "hello im your BIG fan...i really love u so much..." then the artist replied..."hey..thanks for being my fans sweetie..." i was like >>>> O_O when i know the characteristic of the artist was like shy n cute kind of person..suddenly replied like that which i feel like "u gotta be kidding me" ...who using that account n act like him/her...=.=" it really hard for me to believe that it is really him/her...
sighhhhh...maybe im juz tooooooooooooooo hard to trust something that i need the prove first for it...=.="
well..im not that easy to be trick for something that i really want or love it...=.="
But if it really true about the artist account...if it really him/her...that good then...at least they are sociable n want to interact wif their fans...nice attitude of an artist.. ^_^
Had a twitter account now made me spent more times in front of my laptop..=.="
how great is that....omg... ~(@.@) ~
Tuesday, 4 October 2011
Dangdut...ahahahhaha.........>.> yeahhhh~
well...hurmmm dangdut...>.> i know...it not like me...but i dunno y...this style of song so famous once before..i luv how the dangdut song before..not like now...mostly so sexy n horny video they make...not interesting at all like in the past...seem like dangdut aldy change to bad style of song..poor dangdut...
when talk about dangdut...the only dangdut singer that i know is amelina...she so famous before..now she seem like disappear...dunno where she go...some said this n some said that..well..i juz hope she living her own happy life...she truly a great dangdut singer...many people admire her...even her songs still live on till now...
my grandpa(game grandpa)....asked me few days ago about dangdut songs...i was like...laughing so hard n it so hilarious that he suddenly asked me about it...few conversation happen about dangdut between us..that where it begin that i browsed some dangdut song from amelina...n it seem i luv that song again...thanks grandpa for bring me back to old memories of mine...it so funneh when u asked me...LOL...
one of amelina song bring me back to one nice memories...i remember went to my dad company family day...at one hotel dun quietly remember..it was long long long time ago...we having dinner...at that place amelina song was played...i fall in luv wif her song that time...coz it so famous in that time..when i was teenager..i always tried to search back the song i heard from her...but i dun even know the song title..i only know the name of the singer...i gave up many times since i cant remember it..so i aldy forgot about the song...till few days ago after i had my chat wif my grandpa...lmao...i searched n accidently found it...i was happy n enjoy the song...cant believe it that i met that song once again...ahahahah...
here the song...:-
other song from her also...:-
when talk about dangdut...the only dangdut singer that i know is amelina...she so famous before..now she seem like disappear...dunno where she go...some said this n some said that..well..i juz hope she living her own happy life...she truly a great dangdut singer...many people admire her...even her songs still live on till now...
my grandpa(game grandpa)....asked me few days ago about dangdut songs...i was like...laughing so hard n it so hilarious that he suddenly asked me about it...few conversation happen about dangdut between us..that where it begin that i browsed some dangdut song from amelina...n it seem i luv that song again...thanks grandpa for bring me back to old memories of mine...it so funneh when u asked me...LOL...
one of amelina song bring me back to one nice memories...i remember went to my dad company family day...at one hotel dun quietly remember..it was long long long time ago...we having dinner...at that place amelina song was played...i fall in luv wif her song that time...coz it so famous in that time..when i was teenager..i always tried to search back the song i heard from her...but i dun even know the song title..i only know the name of the singer...i gave up many times since i cant remember it..so i aldy forgot about the song...till few days ago after i had my chat wif my grandpa...lmao...i searched n accidently found it...i was happy n enjoy the song...cant believe it that i met that song once again...ahahahah...
here the song...:-
this is my fav song from amelina before..the one i tried to search at last i found it..>.<
i like the style of the music..so catchy n cheerful..n a lil bit funny..i dunno y...lol..maybe coz of the Ah Ah part..
other song from her also...:-
and this one...mun..my fren showed it to me before...n i like it also..duet of amelina n iwan....:-
~ENJOY~
Friday, 9 September 2011
Hoping Something That Will Never Come True
It hurt me badly...Since the day u treated me that way...Ur angryness..ur jealousy...u being blind by ur hatred...u put ur weaknesses instead of our frenship...U promised me many times...Yet u broke it that I cant even counted anymore..
How sweet it is when remind back the memories we been together..But in flash of light u destroy it...Without hesitate...U kill our beautiful moments...not just that..everything that we had...it pain me a lot with the bad n curse words that u threw to me...U said im the cause of everything..but did u see who the main cause of the whole things from the beginning...Im lecture u..Im saying nonsense to u...that wat u said to me...but doesnt that Me who usually been n acted beside u all this time..?It like stabbing me everytime u threw every single things that never been my blame...U speak like im the villain...yet now i see u the worse one...fren who treated her bestfren that way...u only see ur pains..did u ever feel n see mine?u talked like it is all about me..nothing to do wif urs...u keep blaming n making excuses...telling fake n lies...U not u anymore...if i said this also u will keep on bashing me...
Ever since that day...i stop all connection wif u...i cant stand anymore..u keep on giving me pains..rather than seeing the truth about urself..it hurt so much that i need to be bad guy to make u understand...but then...u keep on attacking me..i tried to be nice..to end everything soft n nicely...yet...u make it more worse..after u gave me so much scars...u never learn how to stop did u...i know u not satisfy wif me...u still wanna show ur anger..i know...u will never be soft..ur heart will remain stone for me....i keep ignore it...everytime i ignore..that single time i wish if u could ever say sorry to me..at least one would be enough...u replied on ur blog..that u wan end everything..i accept it..it ur choice..but yet...y u keep on bashing me..u wan end it...y u keep on attacking me..u said u never keep ur revenge forever..u ar nice person...u will never hate me forever...but..wat i see...last of ur msg saying im still like worse person ever to u...wat kind of END is that..im tired being treated that way..from ur eyes..im such a terrible/horrible or disgusting person...im exhausted...u never learn to accept the truth of ur own weaknesses...the blaming on u..u keep pushing on others..it hurt me a lot...honestly from bottom of my heart..i wan us to be normal back...if that cant be happen...at least a single sorry to me would be enough..so much enough...but at the end..u still being jerk person...from before i never even say bad or curse about u..now after wat u done to me...u teach me to be bad person..now im already one...coz of u...all this time..i dun even dare to hurt u even a lil..dun even dare to say bad things to u...dun even dare to see u sad...but wat the point now..all the past years that we been through...i realize that u never see me as ur real fren...never take the luv that i gave u...never kept the care that i show u...never hold the frenship that been created n formed in ur life inside ur heart...im juz a toy to u which u can toying around like i have never had feelings like u have...i tried to live calm n peace after that..live my own life n i expect u to live urs..but y..u keep on burning my limit..?keep on lighten up my patient?y u do this?wat kind of person ar u now?u not the one i know anymore..wat u have been now?dun u ever questioning that to urself?u rather being hurt badly than accepting the fact u the one who ar wrong all this times...
I didnt say im a good one...i didnt say im the greater one...but after all this happen...i juz can say..im the better one compare to u...never in my life wanna be proud...or showing to others that u ar the worse n bad person...juz i wish...wish n always wish..one day...maybe...u will be in my position n feel wat i suffered all this times coz of U...juz like that..all of this end...at least my END of us not so mean n cruel like urs...how much i wanna show u that i still luv u...but i guess all of that not worth at all since ur heart covered with hatred only for me...hatred...im disappointed coz that tiny lil thing...all of this destroy...this frenship mean nothing to u...im tired...im exhausted...my scars remains forever which u dun even care or dun even notice...even if u apologize now to me..i dun think this heart can ever accept it...u already kill me from the part of ur life.. now it time for me..to erase u entire of my life..u not worth being in part of my memories since u never appreciate it..u are stranger now to me..forever...dun even dare to step in my world anymore..
From this part till my life end..........I Hate U......u change my love to hate for u...yeah....Now...I Hate U....
This song..wat I feel about us... :-
How sweet it is when remind back the memories we been together..But in flash of light u destroy it...Without hesitate...U kill our beautiful moments...not just that..everything that we had...it pain me a lot with the bad n curse words that u threw to me...U said im the cause of everything..but did u see who the main cause of the whole things from the beginning...Im lecture u..Im saying nonsense to u...that wat u said to me...but doesnt that Me who usually been n acted beside u all this time..?It like stabbing me everytime u threw every single things that never been my blame...U speak like im the villain...yet now i see u the worse one...fren who treated her bestfren that way...u only see ur pains..did u ever feel n see mine?u talked like it is all about me..nothing to do wif urs...u keep blaming n making excuses...telling fake n lies...U not u anymore...if i said this also u will keep on bashing me...
Ever since that day...i stop all connection wif u...i cant stand anymore..u keep on giving me pains..rather than seeing the truth about urself..it hurt so much that i need to be bad guy to make u understand...but then...u keep on attacking me..i tried to be nice..to end everything soft n nicely...yet...u make it more worse..after u gave me so much scars...u never learn how to stop did u...i know u not satisfy wif me...u still wanna show ur anger..i know...u will never be soft..ur heart will remain stone for me....i keep ignore it...everytime i ignore..that single time i wish if u could ever say sorry to me..at least one would be enough...u replied on ur blog..that u wan end everything..i accept it..it ur choice..but yet...y u keep on bashing me..u wan end it...y u keep on attacking me..u said u never keep ur revenge forever..u ar nice person...u will never hate me forever...but..wat i see...last of ur msg saying im still like worse person ever to u...wat kind of END is that..im tired being treated that way..from ur eyes..im such a terrible/horrible or disgusting person...im exhausted...u never learn to accept the truth of ur own weaknesses...the blaming on u..u keep pushing on others..it hurt me a lot...honestly from bottom of my heart..i wan us to be normal back...if that cant be happen...at least a single sorry to me would be enough..so much enough...but at the end..u still being jerk person...from before i never even say bad or curse about u..now after wat u done to me...u teach me to be bad person..now im already one...coz of u...all this time..i dun even dare to hurt u even a lil..dun even dare to say bad things to u...dun even dare to see u sad...but wat the point now..all the past years that we been through...i realize that u never see me as ur real fren...never take the luv that i gave u...never kept the care that i show u...never hold the frenship that been created n formed in ur life inside ur heart...im juz a toy to u which u can toying around like i have never had feelings like u have...i tried to live calm n peace after that..live my own life n i expect u to live urs..but y..u keep on burning my limit..?keep on lighten up my patient?y u do this?wat kind of person ar u now?u not the one i know anymore..wat u have been now?dun u ever questioning that to urself?u rather being hurt badly than accepting the fact u the one who ar wrong all this times...
I didnt say im a good one...i didnt say im the greater one...but after all this happen...i juz can say..im the better one compare to u...never in my life wanna be proud...or showing to others that u ar the worse n bad person...juz i wish...wish n always wish..one day...maybe...u will be in my position n feel wat i suffered all this times coz of U...juz like that..all of this end...at least my END of us not so mean n cruel like urs...how much i wanna show u that i still luv u...but i guess all of that not worth at all since ur heart covered with hatred only for me...hatred...im disappointed coz that tiny lil thing...all of this destroy...this frenship mean nothing to u...im tired...im exhausted...my scars remains forever which u dun even care or dun even notice...even if u apologize now to me..i dun think this heart can ever accept it...u already kill me from the part of ur life.. now it time for me..to erase u entire of my life..u not worth being in part of my memories since u never appreciate it..u are stranger now to me..forever...dun even dare to step in my world anymore..
From this part till my life end..........I Hate U......u change my love to hate for u...yeah....Now...I Hate U....
This song..wat I feel about us... :-
Ever since that day,
I've been feeling,
Both of us already separated,
These feelings,
Will reach you,
In the passing seasons,
I hide my wishes,
Love always like,
A red song,
Painful,
One tear drop,
Flowed.
If i can tell you how this song can relate to wat I feel...we already been separated since that day u condemn me with ur mean n cruel words...these feelings that i wish can reach u...but never even went through u...I hide my wishes which i wan us to be like before again..but u destroy it...i wish again that u will at least say sorry to me n fix it...u never will...our frenship love like a red song that seem covering wif anger..hatred n jealousy of urs...so painful that u dun even understand my heart at all..dun even learn about my pains...one of my tear started flowed after u treated me that kind of behaviour..and now it flows more heavily that u dun even care if it be lake also no point to u since u dun even notice it from the beginning...so torturing n painfully...~
Thursday, 25 August 2011
Refrain from the worse
hurmmmm~ dunno where to start...
yesterday i went to break fast with my sweet frens at alamanda...that was my own plan....yeah me planned it..
i feel so guilty...it suppose to be last monday...but i had assignment to do...so much...so the plan was cancel..i feel worse..coz everyone seem ready n can go on monday...after that i planned to go on wednesday..i asked all my fren if they can come...mostly of them can...but some not or have planned...i feel terrible that coz of me i ruined another plan of my frens...sorry to mun...i really didnt mean to ruin her plan...i did asked her many times to come...but i understand i cant harshly force her to come..she already planned before me..so i dun mind if she cant come...but then at the end she coming along...at first i was shocked coz i know she cant come..y suddenly can...made me so guilty..i feel worse like destroying other people plan...i know mun feel sad about it...she wan to enjoy wif her lil bro..but coz of me n others she still come join...she so sweet yet i did horrible things...sorry mun...same to eqa...i know she already planned something on that day...still i force her badly...i want her to come coz i thought mun cant come..i accept mun cant come aldy but for eqa...i feel like i want also her to come coz only me girl left if she cant come..but i feel like being selfish..they both have planned..i ruin everything for them...sincerely apology...
I feel more guilty n horrible that everytime they hang out...n asked me to join...each of that time..mostly..i cant come...but still they didnt force me..they understand it...but for me...they cant come yet i force them to come...so selfish...but deeply inside of me...i feel that i want to make up every single time where i cant go wif them so i planned this..before holiday come n wanna break fast together which everyone include in our group and no one less at least one for this year...but i guess my planned fail...im so noob..honestly this is my first time planned something this big..i was so blur n slow...kinda like so immature...everything other people do it n help me..im like doin nothing..feel like it not my plan...i feel guilty that i nearly destroy the plan yesterday...i was so tired and i tried to be energetic so the mood will not change to worse...i the one making plan so i shud not be weak...i feel sorry to mun..i know she so tired n angry wif me coz i planned it but didnt fulfill it...so sorry mun for being so noob...i guess im no good in making plan..i really feel horrible that i made many person sad...im being so quiet and less smile coz i feel terribly guilty that the mood feel worse coz of me...even most of them noticed it...so many sorry guys...
for the happy part..i enjoy so much yesterday coz everyone of my frens there...my frens so sporting n awesome...went to arcade (taqi was pro dancer...taiki never give up...ali so funny...omar everywhere...lol..mun was awesome winning many times...eqa so energetic...) n playing bowling (for this one..i cant stop laughing..it was hilarious n fun while playing) after eating...not to mention toying around at toys shop (eqa cant stop looking at those plushies..haha..mun was excited to play the token thing..ali with his red big glasses..taiki n omar playing around...taqi with angry bird...).. then blackout at McD...lol for this one...singing in bus... really funny...even it not so much things but i feel so happy n appreciated it so much....thanks for everything guys....thank u so much for coming...i deeply appreciated it...u guys really awesome n fabulous...thanks for coming to my life..u guys rock..!! (>.<)
Btw guys...I want to give u all something yesterday but i forgot to bring it...something that i wanna give to u guys as sincerely being my frens all this time...i appreciated it so much...since i cant give u guys in this short time...coz holiday started for some of u guys...here the pic... :-
Hope u Guys like it...Sorry so much to Taqi coz i wrongly count n accidently buy less...(T.T)
Dun worry i will buy one for u..(>.<)
And one video im playing piano...this one for u guys...juz short version of the song...
(i'm playing terrible..if got mistakes ignore it..hehe) :-
yesterday i went to break fast with my sweet frens at alamanda...that was my own plan....yeah me planned it..
i feel so guilty...it suppose to be last monday...but i had assignment to do...so much...so the plan was cancel..i feel worse..coz everyone seem ready n can go on monday...after that i planned to go on wednesday..i asked all my fren if they can come...mostly of them can...but some not or have planned...i feel terrible that coz of me i ruined another plan of my frens...sorry to mun...i really didnt mean to ruin her plan...i did asked her many times to come...but i understand i cant harshly force her to come..she already planned before me..so i dun mind if she cant come...but then at the end she coming along...at first i was shocked coz i know she cant come..y suddenly can...made me so guilty..i feel worse like destroying other people plan...i know mun feel sad about it...she wan to enjoy wif her lil bro..but coz of me n others she still come join...she so sweet yet i did horrible things...sorry mun...same to eqa...i know she already planned something on that day...still i force her badly...i want her to come coz i thought mun cant come..i accept mun cant come aldy but for eqa...i feel like i want also her to come coz only me girl left if she cant come..but i feel like being selfish..they both have planned..i ruin everything for them...sincerely apology...
I feel more guilty n horrible that everytime they hang out...n asked me to join...each of that time..mostly..i cant come...but still they didnt force me..they understand it...but for me...they cant come yet i force them to come...so selfish...but deeply inside of me...i feel that i want to make up every single time where i cant go wif them so i planned this..before holiday come n wanna break fast together which everyone include in our group and no one less at least one for this year...but i guess my planned fail...im so noob..honestly this is my first time planned something this big..i was so blur n slow...kinda like so immature...everything other people do it n help me..im like doin nothing..feel like it not my plan...i feel guilty that i nearly destroy the plan yesterday...i was so tired and i tried to be energetic so the mood will not change to worse...i the one making plan so i shud not be weak...i feel sorry to mun..i know she so tired n angry wif me coz i planned it but didnt fulfill it...so sorry mun for being so noob...i guess im no good in making plan..i really feel horrible that i made many person sad...im being so quiet and less smile coz i feel terribly guilty that the mood feel worse coz of me...even most of them noticed it...so many sorry guys...
for the happy part..i enjoy so much yesterday coz everyone of my frens there...my frens so sporting n awesome...went to arcade (taqi was pro dancer...taiki never give up...ali so funny...omar everywhere...lol..mun was awesome winning many times...eqa so energetic...) n playing bowling (for this one..i cant stop laughing..it was hilarious n fun while playing) after eating...not to mention toying around at toys shop (eqa cant stop looking at those plushies..haha..mun was excited to play the token thing..ali with his red big glasses..taiki n omar playing around...taqi with angry bird...).. then blackout at McD...lol for this one...singing in bus... really funny...even it not so much things but i feel so happy n appreciated it so much....thanks for everything guys....thank u so much for coming...i deeply appreciated it...u guys really awesome n fabulous...thanks for coming to my life..u guys rock..!! (>.<)
Btw guys...I want to give u all something yesterday but i forgot to bring it...something that i wanna give to u guys as sincerely being my frens all this time...i appreciated it so much...since i cant give u guys in this short time...coz holiday started for some of u guys...here the pic... :-
Dun worry i will buy one for u..(>.<)
And one video im playing piano...this one for u guys...juz short version of the song...
(i'm playing terrible..if got mistakes ignore it..hehe) :-
Lastly HAPPY HOLIDAY n SELAMAT HARI RAYA AIDILFITRI to all my FRENS n FAMILY..!!
Dun forget to come to my house for raya...(>.<)
Luv ya GUYS so much..!!Muahhhxx..!!
Wednesday, 27 July 2011
Proud About It
I did my assignment which is doin animation on flipbook....it is hard than i thought coz wan to make it smoothly animate is not that easy....sighhh..but overall im happy wif it...
I did a little..then when i reached class..i was shocked y everyone kee putting video in the computer inside the class...i was wondering n then asked my frens..they said i need to convert into video...then later present it...I was like..i didnt know abut that..coz last week class i came late for some reasons...so i missed the lecture about the submission...
I was scared that I couldn't make it in time..need convert it but dunno who to ask for...coz need laptop or computer...i cant do in class too obvious..so i wanna call my fren Eqa..but forgot she had class..LOL..then i went to my fren room,Mun...asking for her help...she so nice n kind...luv ya Mun...i was so grateful n glad she helping me a lot...even she late half an hour for class coz of me..i feel so guilty...but i really really really appreciate her kindness...thanks u so much Mun for everything...Thanks to Melissa Tang too coz replied my msg n alert me...told me wat goin on in class when im not there..Many thanks guys...
After that i went to class again..so late but still managed to submit the video...I was so worried if the video not so good..n bad or worse...but gladly...at starting people was like "cute"...coz of the characters in the story i drawn in chibi style...n the synopsis a bit sad...at the end they was like..."awwwwww"....i was happy for the lecturer comment..satisfied wif it..n for all..it awesome..!! XD
Here the video clip...not so good..but im satisfied wif it...so happy...Enjoy~
*The story is about a girl playing wif her ball fren...so happy n enjoy playing together...then come one guy try to be fren wif her...at first sight...she got annoyed by the guy coz she feel the guy disturb her playing wif her ball fren...but then..the guy so nice to her and ask her to join him playing at other place...so she agreed n excited to go....then at the end..left the ball alone..so lonely n wondering y she didnt play till the end wif it but left it alone without goodbye...the ball so upset n disappointed....~
Thank You for watching... >.<
I did a little..then when i reached class..i was shocked y everyone kee putting video in the computer inside the class...i was wondering n then asked my frens..they said i need to convert into video...then later present it...I was like..i didnt know abut that..coz last week class i came late for some reasons...so i missed the lecture about the submission...
I was scared that I couldn't make it in time..need convert it but dunno who to ask for...coz need laptop or computer...i cant do in class too obvious..so i wanna call my fren Eqa..but forgot she had class..LOL..then i went to my fren room,Mun...asking for her help...she so nice n kind...luv ya Mun...i was so grateful n glad she helping me a lot...even she late half an hour for class coz of me..i feel so guilty...but i really really really appreciate her kindness...thanks u so much Mun for everything...Thanks to Melissa Tang too coz replied my msg n alert me...told me wat goin on in class when im not there..Many thanks guys...
After that i went to class again..so late but still managed to submit the video...I was so worried if the video not so good..n bad or worse...but gladly...at starting people was like "cute"...coz of the characters in the story i drawn in chibi style...n the synopsis a bit sad...at the end they was like..."awwwwww"....i was happy for the lecturer comment..satisfied wif it..n for all..it awesome..!! XD
Here the video clip...not so good..but im satisfied wif it...so happy...Enjoy~
*The story is about a girl playing wif her ball fren...so happy n enjoy playing together...then come one guy try to be fren wif her...at first sight...she got annoyed by the guy coz she feel the guy disturb her playing wif her ball fren...but then..the guy so nice to her and ask her to join him playing at other place...so she agreed n excited to go....then at the end..left the ball alone..so lonely n wondering y she didnt play till the end wif it but left it alone without goodbye...the ball so upset n disappointed....~
Thank You for watching... >.<
Wednesday, 20 July 2011
At Least to be Appreciated
So much troubles n pains putting through on my sculpture...LOL....Killing me from the start on how to make it work n be smooth and also awesome...
3 days non stop making it....till the last day..before submission...was like KO for me...i was so tension n stress..everything goin to mess up....everything totally horrible...this wrong n that wrong...i dun even sleep one nite making it...how much troubles it gave me..lol..but still i enjoyed it very much...
My dad lectured me...ahahha...nagged at me coz always making things last mins...ohh well...i do know wat will happen if i did last mins..but i cant dodge it...still it become again the same to me...my mom was like so worried about me..coz this is my first time study in University n making assignment till i didnt sleep...before at least i slept even for half an hour or one hour..but last nite...not at all..XD
I wanna thanks so much to my mom for helping me...n still be patient wif me..even i gave her so much troubles...ur the best..!! n my dad too coz cared for me...>.< n of coz to my frens that always support me...eqa..mun...taiki...and others..thanks guys...really appreciate it...all ur compliments n help...
here the pics of my sculpture..i know it horrible...but i know i put so much effort in it..not the best...but better...maybe...XD
ahahahah the legs not combine wif the body...after he fall down inside the car when i went to class..>.<
colour a bit messy....but total for all..it is good...im satisfy...n after this need to touch up back n making more better....hope so....~
3 days non stop making it....till the last day..before submission...was like KO for me...i was so tension n stress..everything goin to mess up....everything totally horrible...this wrong n that wrong...i dun even sleep one nite making it...how much troubles it gave me..lol..but still i enjoyed it very much...
My dad lectured me...ahahha...nagged at me coz always making things last mins...ohh well...i do know wat will happen if i did last mins..but i cant dodge it...still it become again the same to me...my mom was like so worried about me..coz this is my first time study in University n making assignment till i didnt sleep...before at least i slept even for half an hour or one hour..but last nite...not at all..XD
I wanna thanks so much to my mom for helping me...n still be patient wif me..even i gave her so much troubles...ur the best..!! n my dad too coz cared for me...>.< n of coz to my frens that always support me...eqa..mun...taiki...and others..thanks guys...really appreciate it...all ur compliments n help...
here the pics of my sculpture..i know it horrible...but i know i put so much effort in it..not the best...but better...maybe...XD
even the wing and hand not so smoothly attached....
Sunday, 17 July 2011
Old Songs
Dunno y..but lately..I keep on hearing old songs...in my language...usually i heard korean..japan and english song..I barely hear Malay song..since most of Malay song nowdays not my type and it became horrible...I still stick and proud of old Malay song...not old fashion but when I hear old song..it bring back memories and the song feel like full of spirit...LOL...XD
ahahhaha Ziana Zain suddenly...but honestly..her voice is awesome..her high pitch really cool...I admire her..even most of her song is really wonderful...
ahahhaha Ziana Zain suddenly...but honestly..her voice is awesome..her high pitch really cool...I admire her..even most of her song is really wonderful...
this one...made me remember to someone before who very love and interested with the song and the main singer..LOL..this song really nice...
Enjoy~ Peace No War~
Saturday, 9 July 2011
New Blog Again
I dunno y but....I seem to love my new blog...LOL...
maybe coz I put long effort in composing the background....ahahah....
I'm Kuroshitsuji fan....so...that y the background Kuro's chacs....ciel x sebby 4eva...~
hurmmm....I'm trying to watch transformer today but ticket sold out...n book for tmrw also sold out...so many people..omg...since it weekend...well..maybe next day...~
trying to enjoy my normal life....sighhhh~
maybe coz I put long effort in composing the background....ahahah....
I'm Kuroshitsuji fan....so...that y the background Kuro's chacs....ciel x sebby 4eva...~
hurmmm....I'm trying to watch transformer today but ticket sold out...n book for tmrw also sold out...so many people..omg...since it weekend...well..maybe next day...~
trying to enjoy my normal life....sighhhh~
Thursday, 7 July 2011
Create new Blog
well...this blog for assignment...n maybe also i will make this blog for my own purpose...different than my other blog...more to expressing myself....that all...lol
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