I'm Not Ready

I know..im so emo n sentimental..most of my post is emo story...but wat can i do..it not easy to express sadness to others...at least this blog reduce a lil bit of my pains...i can say n express watever i wan...even some of it still remain secret...


Lot of things happen lately..feel like my heart begin to burst out...it so pain that no one can ever understand it... yeahh..family n frens do help me in certain things..i appreciated all the things they did to me..comfort n made my life more happier day by day....really glad having them in my life...but for this case...it so hard to explain...


I dun even understand myself anymore...I'm not like the one i used to be...i luv to smile before...now also..but my smiles now begin to look fake...not sincerely come from my heart like in the past...how happy n excited for me to smile coz every single smile reduce my pains n at least i hope others who see me smile will show the same to me...im the type who scare people think negative about me at first sight..that y i aldy plant smiling attitude each times i meet someone...yeaa...i got critique n tease a lot also..it is hurt...they said.. "y u smile always like u dun have anything to do anymore"..."y u smile when it not necessary..it looks hideous"..."y u smile often..it looks stupid"..."y u always smile that dun u feel tired?"......y...?....y need i stop my smile when that the only thing that can make me happy even for a lil....i smile to hide my sadness...i smile so people  know im sincerely dun wanna have bad judgement from them....i smile to those who sad so they can gain their strength back...i smile...coz i know...nothing wrong with it as long it didnt hurt anyone...n give pleasure to others...


3 paragraphs...only i start this...I'm not ready....really really n really not...I knew something was not right at the time i step myself into 20 years old...which is yesterday...im not ready for adult world yet...not bcoz i wan freedom or fun...or anything that related to teen life...i juz not ready to carry the weight in adult life...i know...we grow older day by day not younger...want or not...it my life that i need to experience it myself...if i didnt step to adult world...how can i live far further...yeshh..i keep telling that to myself...but it not that easy...it is hurt...when someone said..."u aldy 20..act like one..u not child anymore..."....."u ady 20...think matured enuff..dun make fool things...u aldy can think wat right n wrong about something..so go with it.."....u aldy 20...not teen anymore..so dun make anything that embarassing.....".."see ur lil sister..more matured than u...wat the age of u again? 20 rite? hmmmmm aldy 20...y ur attitude not like ur sis..."...."u shud change place wif ur sis...ur sis more better in ur place...u so childish...".....kind of hurt...but wat can i do...i didnt blame them..i know im wrong too..the fact im grow older...made me wanna be younger...how many times people encourage me...my heart still saying the same...it is not same like how i used to be...it will never be same..once u step to this world..the risk.challenges...obstacles..up n down...not easy like saying through ur mouth...it need to be prove by to make them believe in u that u aldy 20...or matured enuff...but me...i dun even have half of the characteristic yet...my heart still avoid me from going through to that space...


I'm not ready....really not ready...so not ready..........
Studying in university...more fun than school...yeah..coz not so tough timetable like school...but school far better in homework/assignment...i took the course that i want in my Uni...i thought that was the best for me..since i luv it very much...n luv my Uni also..my frens n surrounding...so calm n happy...but...time passed...it getting tougher than i thought...yeaa i know...other people can make it..but y not me?coz it ME...not THEM...most people said stop comparing urself to others...now i stop comparing myself..isnt it rite?it me...coz my heart said something wrong with it....the time i step myself in degree...i never thought i will become so stress n tension...yesh again..i know it normal...it Uni life...so y am i so weak...well...i am weak..i admit it at least....wat i see in myself now....i keep depend on others...till at some limit...i feel so guilty n embarassing to them who lend their hand to me...i keep asking their help n never learn to do it myself...i always knew this attitude of mine...but it hard for me to destroy it...sometime i feel like im a burden to my frens...i tried do it myself...i know i can..some of it i manage to do it...but some still remain the same...complicated n killing me...that y i couldnt stop myself from asking others..even though it really annoying n disturbing of me to distract them...really deep guilty...feel like they have their life but i took some of their times juz coz of my weakness....sorry guys...really sorry...eqa...mun..omar...n mostly taiki...sorry so much troubling u a lot....


Other things....I'm still not ready....it killing me knowing my worse attitude ever never change....do something last mins...especially assignment..n something important...always got scolded by my parent n even my frens n relatives...i didnt deny it...i am that way...so i take the blame...but after last sem...which i did last mins n i nearly faint...but gladly still can survive it..juz went to clinic checked my health....it the worse time ever happen to me regarding Uni life...so i aldy change my mind..i will never do last mins again..never...!....But then...in this moment...i feel like...i wanna shut down myself...when u promised to urself...u tried to never break the promise...but i broke it many times aldy...i still did ast mins this sem...n it hurting me a lot...not even me..other people also..i never learn my mistakes..i never learn the worse from it...even i knew...even i really knew...i still did the same...i dunno wat wrong wif me...people do said it hard to change urself...now i know y...it not like a piece of cake to change something in u...even u try ur best...coz it aldy part of u...my last mins attitude aldy shown from school life...but never thought i still bring it to my Uni life...Yeaaa...it kind of hurt that ur last mins attitude made others suffered...i aldy mess up all things...gave so much burden to my parent...they help me a lot...giving advices to me...encourage me to be more better...sometime i feel im so useless...im juz made others suffer n stress coz of my attitude....i wanna change...i really do...but i also dunno y it still the same...it really pain me out...when u try so hard...it still remains the same....sorry so much to my parent..n my frens  also those who already get troubles coz of me..sincerely sorry...


Lately...so much things happen...I cant even concentrate on my study...im getting sick so many times..n not submit my assignments..i feel so guilty n stress about that...n some family problems...last time..my sis need to stay at the hospital for some days coz of her old sickness n new sickness...i feel sad  n sorry for my sis...seeing her like that really made me feel guilty...coz..before...im the one who always sick...it like if im not sick in 1 month..it will be weird..my antibody weak....not like my sis..hard to get disease...but...never thought she will get these kind of disease....hope she can recover soon...she still sick till now...cough n fever..never see she in that condition before...made me sad...plus with my grandma...she staying at my cousin house..my aunt taking care of her...but..my mom always went there to take care of her too...she stay at hospital also that time same wif my sis n even my grandpa stay at hospital for few days...i dunno wat to say...it like..these time been hard time for me...when my grandma n sis at hospital..it is the day when we celebrating hari raya aidil adha...really made me feel more sad...even many relatives came celebrate together at the hospital but...it more better at home celebrate together rite...n even some others family problems happen..not gonna say..it personal....n even study probs...sometime i feel like wanna quit Uni for awhile..i keep giving troubles to others...n even feel like im taking wrong course...it really hurt me...my mind confuse..is that really wat i wan...i never thought it gonna be that tough which using many software...wat i wan before juz like traditional drawing...n express urself to it...many times i said that i wanna give up aldy...but i still keep on it...coz of my frens n family...but now...i really think maybe it is good for me to quit awhile..or change course...im tired...im really exhausted... never thought so much problems came to me at the same time....im juz normal human being...too much things will cause me to go crazy...


I juz....wanna be myself once before...yet..i realize...half of me aldy gone since that time...will never be the same for twice...n will never remain the same for the things u like...