Life...not so easy..I know...we the one shud try the best in making our life more beautiful...but mine...nearly reach those shining light each times i gave all of me ...unfortunately....drown in the lake of darkness...
Tried to stop myself from thinking so far...I know the result would hurt me deeply...if I keep on caring about those or the things that dun even see me exist...maybe im so dumb...yeah...more worse....it complicated...not all feelings easily to be confess out through this mouth....it hurt deeply...
I realize...since that day...this smile on my face so fake...it not the real me that i know...i knew..people change..so do i...but this changes on me...not making it more encouraging...but rather fail me down...
People keep saying i shud be matured...i realized im not matured enuff for my age now...but...if that the real me..y shud i change..i know..some of the things i need to..want or not..that i dun mind..but if u said to change almost half of me..better dun say anything...i am who i am...it hurt so much when i give my best to be wat people want...even i know..im so fool for it...i shud not easily make myself weak...yet they dun even realize my hardwork in trying to make them satisfy...
But for my lovable people..I sincerely love n appreciate those who really understand n care or love me as the way i am...those people really sweet people i have ever known..n i will never let them go in my life...thanks to them...any mistakes i made..they still stay wif me...im touched...thank u so much for all the things u guys did to me...deeply thanks from the bottom of my heart...
I luv myself once before..which i never give up in any of the obstacles that facing me...my spirit so high that no one can stop my self confidence....but me now..like seeing bomb that nearly explode....waiting for the time to be 0..n everything over....i know..shud not think this way..i shud be tough...this is the way of life is...but...which human can stand the pains that come non stop n feel..so lonely...sorrow...shadow...everything related to dark haunting u....
I dunno wat happen to myself...i dun even know wat exactly i wan now..the person who always tried to catch her dreams n smile n put every single of her feelings through watever that she do...put her heart n soul in everything which made her feel more fresh..calm n peace....even when the most thing that she love to do which is drawing seem like annoying to her now...is that wat i really want for the rest of my life starting now...of course no...but it not that easy to change back to old days....
Pains keep coming when feel this heart cant even flows the spirit to this hand to create a wonderful n lively drawings like before...n cant even continue to be strong n confident since that days...
Remembering memories...more hurt stabbing through this heart....go back to those sweet times....then realize...now...not the same as that time...memories cant be happen twice...cant be create twice...cant be act twice.....reality is cruel....most people said that...if me before..i will said..who care about those reality as long u did ur best n believe in urself...but me now...i dun think so..i rather see it so true that i cant even deny it anymore...
Maybe before i can say n lie to myself..u can do this....u so strong..dun care about others...u did a good job...dun give up...u will find ur happiness..ur hardwork will be repay n so on...yet...this moment...those words like not even go through my ears...then how can this heart accept those words again...
I wanna shout..I wanna cry all of me...but..I guess i will always be in this weak position...always get bully easily...forgot how to fight back...keep myself low...quarantine myself with my fantasy like i did once before...but always treasure those n the things that really priceless to me...
Everytime I sad...i will create some poems...Bring back those poems made me calm a bit...
Here some of my poems...not that awesome..but exist from deep in my heart... :-
*In this moment,I realized that the diamond was a fake,
At the end of time,I still holding my empty hand compare to urs,
This shattered heart can't even be replace with billion of golds,
My weak body that I used to live in this cruel and unfair world have been separated from it soul,
So pathetic,I'm not more or less than a doll which always be toying around with a heartless person like You.
*Starting with ur love....Ending with ur leave,
U made it impossible...For my heart to achieve,
Without I realize...My tears flooding in my eyes,
And begin to rain slowly...This pains feel so heavy,
How can I continue this life?...You far away from my side,
This emptiness...Full of loneliness,
This shadow...Fill with sorrow,
Will this hurt fade away?...As time goes by everyday.......~
*If seeing me exist is a torture for ur eyes,
Express the truth from the bottom of ur heart,
Leaves falling around the trees,
Dancing freely as the soft breeze keep on company,
Until when will I get the answers from ur silent mode,
Towards all my questions that been bold,
If that times really point a date to meet,
Which I wish maybe the day of light will at least be a little part of me.
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