It hurt that i no longer feel mood on study,,,,i did take the course that i love but i never thought this would happen...
I luv animation..yesh....i do..much....since i was kid...i love to draw...many people keep comnpliments on my drawing...never thought i had that kind of talent...i feel lucky to have it n i feel excited wif it...
Many people express their heart through anything they like....I took drawing as my place to express all in me....I feel wonderful n calm everytime i draw wat i like...never feel so peace as when the time i draw...
In my high school life...i even draw on table n even text books...even my frens said...u dun have anu other places more to draw....u really drawing addict..never stop....but luckily the drawing wat make me wake up everytime in class when im sleepy...it juz feel too nice when i draw...
when i wanna go to uni life....i feel so excited that i wanna take the course that i want....im blur n confuse which Uni i shud go...my relative promoted me one Uni...i thought first it juz okay2...then when he said his daughter learn there...n aldy graduate...the Uni really good n kind of famous....reputation nice....i saw the courses....so excited when my dad said my course is there...the one i like....i was so noob that time...im still immature....i juz follow wat the best people said...my parent knew wat i like..so they never stop me to get it...i appreciated that they understand me....
I thought the course gonna be awesome....drawing much n showing how to animate n more on drawing skill...i was so passionate that time...i jzu follow it...in foundation time..i had a great memories wif my frens...i luv doin all the assignment even thought im lazy..last min person...yeah...i admit it....but still...i ahve the courage n spirit to do wat i like in the course....
Slowly i change toward degree...for the first short sem..still okay coz my frens always there to support me...they gain my courage....thanks to them....my result was ok that time..i know it gonna be that worse coz im lazy....
I realize i been more n more lazy toward my course...but never thought i will change much like this...after the short sem..the long sem begin,...i feel so horrible i couldnt understand myself anymore...i dun really get wat i want..everything i did is a mistakes n always not rite for me....my passion for drawing became so hopeless now..as i realize my subject too much on software...it not like i hate the software...not like i dun wanna try or experience it...but...my heart juz not into that....im not old fashion...yet i luv drawing traditional more than using software...too much adobe...too much on the computer...
Before ...even i sick..my spirit still not change...i still come to class...now...i always get sick..stress n tension wif the things i do....it really pain that i hate the things that i do now...my sleep time become my nightmare as everytime i wanna go sleep...i think about assignment too much till i cant stand it...it took me many hours juz to get sleep....it worrying me about my health...my health became more worse now than before...my eyesight became more blur...im scare wif it coz...my eyes never feel that way before..i knew one day my eyes sight will fade away slowly..lil by lil..but i dun wan it to be this soon...before i really have no prob wif my eyes...now really terrible...even my back hurt so much..many times...lack of sleep...only how many hours i sleep...i know my course like that...will not have enough sleep...plus if u did last min....like me..
Im juz too stress....the thing that i luv..become the thing that i hate now..i dun wan hate drawing..i dun wan that....the one who set my dream....become my dream destroyer also....how hurt is that....im not regret taking my course..i juz feel so dumb y i didnt check earlier or gain info about the courses give....
Now i heard they will stop promoting my course..they change to new course aldy...made me scare n confuse n more tension...which one shud i do..i wanna drop subject...but if the course not yet given..how can i continue later...if i drop the course...wat im gonna take....juz wat EXACTLY i want here?
Seem like i dunno myself anymore...feel like the burden made my heart stop from loving everything that come to me...i dun wanna troubles others..i know if i drop or change the course...things will be more complicated..i amde more people suffering...but wat can i do....if i not stop myself now...wat will happen next?i scare to burden others too much....if i have no interest in wat i do anymore...everything i do for the course will be vain...all my marks will be so horrible for sure....no point in that...that y i wanna stop now...i know people will stop me..giving advices to me..dun give up...n continue..it the thing u like...u aldy been this far dun drop...u aldy try ur best..try more...but in my heart really stab me out....i dunno wat to reply to them..they so nice to me..i jzu dun wan make them more sad or worry about me...i dun wan tell lie neither...yet...i really wanna say...my heart juz not feel the same anymore...i feel like wat i like is my doom now...i juz wanna feel the old memories back where i not scare or fear to try something new in me...everything that i do..i will give full of me n express everything out...not like now..i can say...even 1% is juz not there....really not there....how can i make this through?i know it hard for me to express the exact thing to everyone...they do understand my problems....but like many people said...they do understand outside but hardly for inside...how many times u try to explain..it juz not on the way u wanna express it...it not that easy to say wat u feel deeply...
I wanna cry....but i dunno how...too much tears also no point now...like this tears will change the past or things now to be more better....will never do...my course consist like imagination n fantasy feeling....now wat i see juz reality..u can be in fantasy..but the reality is hurt...really feel lonely...empty n lost....
What shud i do now?if i drop i will feel better?if i continue will i make others happier?y im like this?do i really wanna stop now...wanna be this hopeless n heartless?do this things is the thing that i want....really?wat shud i say to others?how can i make into sentences to make others understand my pains?the questions pop out in my mind everytime....made me more stress..never feel this way before...now i knew y Uni people said they love school time more..even the school schedule tight....for Uni life juz the assignment time is complicated...
Memories cant be happen twice...cant never expect the things to be the same....it juz not the way life is...
It killing me everytime i want to find myself back...i keep saying n giving spirit to myself...try to make things same as before...i try every single things i did before so i can be myself once more....but wat i see now...not even one i try to do...can destroy the wall between me now..n myself before...
How can i end this exhausting n unstoppable pains that keep flowing towards me...I juz wish a lil bit of light...it would be enough...juz a lil..n...awhile.....
"I realize...I'm juz a person who tried to gasping every tiny things back to normal which i know i will always trapped in vain no matter how hard i walk through....."
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