Song

wonderful guy....for long time i didnt hear nasyeed...never thought this guy will make me luv to hear it again...nice n sweet voice he had..beautiful n sooth melodies...i juz luv his songs...


juz wanna post one of the song from him that i luv...maybe the song gave me a lil bit courage...thanks maher zein...

InsyaAllah...even thought my most fav is for the rest of my life..

but i think this song suit me better for now...

~ENJOY~

Future or Dream?

Maybe I shud put an end to any of those...


Maybe cosplay?but after all i done?do i wan to give up like this...?after paid so much?after trying so hard? after dreaming so much on it?after trying to catch it for long time?after been in so many quarrel for it? after failed it many times?


Maybe course?after trying so hard in it...?after giving much confident in it?after put my health risk for it...?after tension n stress for it?after being so heartless for it?


Can i juz end it...maybe ...i shud really end it...dun care anything else anymore...being so heartless is more easy than being in pains...


This lonely..hurt...scare...empty feeling...I never been through this hurt before in my life...everything i did...i give my best...but for now...i wish i could juz not here...maybe that better...rather than make many people suffering in my life...i appreciated GOD gave me a life to enjoy this world that HE created...but..maybe...yeah maybe...i shud never be here in first place....

Conflicts

My tears always flows nowdays..i can say..almost every night..not only before i sleep..even when im alone...lonely n empty feeling...filling my heart...i cant bear anymore...


too much things to be done....i dont regret doin last mins...but i juz stress coz i no feeling or mood in doin it...i hate my assignment...juz plz stand away from me..if i could say that....if it really can be true....juz stay away from me...i dun wanna even think about it anymore...


I wanna cosplay this sunday...my dream nearly come true...i wish to cosplay since before...never thought it gonna be real..i tried every single things to make it be great...i dun expect it to be perfect...but i hope it would be interesting n maybe little attractive...i tried to make everything to look the same...but i know...it juz cant...still ahve little things to finish up n touch up....i juz wish my dream for this one will come true...


Im stress n tension...clash wif my assignment time...i know i shud do it sooner...but my heart stop me...as i said before..i feel like wanna drop the subject...but wat can i do..?i said to myself..i will try to finish it as best as i can...but wat come to my mind is...is it will make it?i more interested n care to my cosplay rather than assignment...it much to do...my head juz cant take it...i wanna focus on the things i like..i wanna make my dream come true...as my efforts in cosplay..all the money i save for it...i juz wish....juz for this one..at least for this year..or this time...or awhile...i wan it to come true...i juz wish i can forget about assignment for awhile...n enjoy my cosplay...


it hurt me that..how can i say to my parent..i wanna drop the subject..i dun wan them to worry or sad or disappoint in me...i gave so much burden to them...but it still no point if i continue...i would give more weight on them..i wanna stop now than making everyone more suffer...


now im thinking..im too stress...i wanna complete my cosplay things...but i wanna do assignment also..there no time for assignment anymore after this..i dun wan my cosplay day ruin juz like that...the dream i hoping before..till now...i dun wan it destroy straight away in front of me...it juz cant....seeing my assignment taking rule over my cosplay....it really cant be...feel like assignment ruin my dream...but i know..i cant say like that...yet...im still angry...furious n this hatred grows more everyday as i see...i cant make decision for my own life...im tired n exhausted...


plz...juz go away for awhile stress...i juz cant endure the pain n tears anymore...u juz too much for me..i wanna shout everytime i can...i wan fulfill wat i wan...juz lemme do it..for one day...lemme do my best in cosplay...make that one day...juz one day enuff for me to enjoy n feel the happiness i wish for since before...i dun ask for more...juz one day...i appreciate it deep from my heart...let it be the greatest n special day ever for me..

"Let my gasping be my breathing for a little tiny time for this vain heart..."

Transformation In Me That I Couldnt Stop

It hurt that i no longer feel mood on study,,,,i did take the course that i love but i never thought this would happen...


I luv animation..yesh....i do..much....since i was kid...i love to draw...many people keep comnpliments on my drawing...never thought i had that kind of talent...i feel lucky to have it n i feel excited wif it...


Many people express their heart through anything they like....I took drawing as my place to express all in me....I feel wonderful n calm everytime i draw wat i like...never feel so peace as when the time i draw...


In my high school life...i even draw on table n even text books...even my frens said...u dun have anu other places more to draw....u really drawing addict..never stop....but luckily the drawing wat make me wake up everytime in class when im sleepy...it juz feel too nice when i draw...


when i wanna go to uni life....i feel so excited that i wanna take the course that i want....im blur n confuse which Uni i shud go...my relative promoted me one Uni...i thought first it juz okay2...then when he said his daughter learn there...n aldy graduate...the Uni really good n kind of famous....reputation nice....i saw the courses....so excited when my dad said my course is there...the one i like....i was so noob that time...im still immature....i juz follow wat the best people said...my parent knew wat i like..so they never stop me to get it...i appreciated that they understand me....


I thought the course gonna be awesome....drawing much n showing how to animate n more on drawing skill...i was so passionate that time...i jzu follow it...in foundation time..i had a great memories wif my frens...i luv doin all the assignment even thought im lazy..last min person...yeah...i admit it....but still...i ahve the courage n spirit to do wat i like in the course....


Slowly i change toward degree...for the first short sem..still okay coz my frens always there to support me...they gain my courage....thanks to them....my result was ok that time..i know it gonna be that worse coz im lazy....


I realize i been more n more lazy toward my course...but never thought i will change much like this...after the short sem..the long sem begin,...i feel so horrible i couldnt understand myself anymore...i dun really get wat i want..everything i did is a mistakes n always not rite for me....my passion for drawing became so hopeless now..as i realize my subject too much on software...it not like i hate the software...not like i dun wanna try or experience it...but...my heart juz not into that....im not old fashion...yet i luv drawing traditional more than using software...too much adobe...too much on the computer...


Before ...even i sick..my spirit still not change...i still come to class...now...i always get sick..stress n tension wif the things i do....it really pain that i hate the things that i do now...my sleep time become my nightmare as everytime i wanna go sleep...i think about assignment too much till i cant stand it...it took me many hours juz to get sleep....it worrying me about my health...my health became more worse now than before...my eyesight became more blur...im scare wif it coz...my eyes never feel that way before..i knew one day my eyes  sight will fade away slowly..lil by lil..but i dun wan it to be this soon...before i really have no prob wif my eyes...now really terrible...even my back hurt so much..many times...lack of sleep...only how many hours i sleep...i know my course like that...will not have enough sleep...plus if u did last min....like me..


Im juz too stress....the thing that i luv..become the thing that i hate now..i dun wan hate drawing..i dun wan that....the one who set my dream....become my dream destroyer also....how hurt is that....im not regret taking my course..i juz feel so dumb y i didnt check earlier or gain info about the courses give....


Now i heard they will stop promoting my course..they change to new course aldy...made me scare n confuse n more tension...which one shud i do..i wanna drop subject...but if the course not yet given..how can i continue later...if i drop the course...wat im gonna take....juz wat EXACTLY i want here?


Seem like i dunno myself anymore...feel like the burden made my heart stop from loving everything that come to me...i dun wanna troubles others..i know if i drop or change the course...things will be more complicated..i amde more people suffering...but wat can i do....if i not stop myself now...wat will happen next?i scare to burden others too much....if i have no interest in wat i do anymore...everything i do for the course will be vain...all my marks will be so horrible for sure....no point in that...that y i wanna stop now...i know people will stop me..giving advices to me..dun give up...n continue..it the thing u like...u aldy been this far dun drop...u aldy try ur best..try more...but in my heart really stab me out....i dunno wat to reply to them..they so nice to me..i jzu dun wan make them more sad or worry about me...i dun wan tell lie neither...yet...i really wanna say...my heart juz not feel the same anymore...i feel like wat i like is my doom now...i juz wanna feel the old memories back where i not scare or fear to try something new in me...everything that i do..i will give full of me n express everything out...not like now..i can say...even 1% is juz not there....really not there....how can i make this through?i know it hard for me to express the exact thing to everyone...they do understand my problems....but like many people said...they do understand outside but hardly for inside...how many times u try to explain..it juz not on the way u wanna express it...it not that easy to say wat u feel deeply...


I wanna cry....but i dunno how...too much tears also no point now...like this tears will change the past or things now to be more better....will never do...my course consist like imagination n fantasy feeling....now wat i see juz reality..u can be in fantasy..but the reality is hurt...really feel lonely...empty n lost....


What shud i do now?if i drop i will feel better?if i continue will i make others happier?y im like this?do i really wanna stop now...wanna be this hopeless n heartless?do this things is the thing that i want....really?wat shud i say to others?how can i make into sentences to make others understand my pains?the questions pop out in my mind everytime....made me more stress..never feel this way before...now i knew y Uni people said they love school time more..even the school schedule tight....for Uni life juz the assignment time is complicated...
Memories cant be happen twice...cant never expect the things to be the same....it juz not the way life is...


It killing me everytime i want to find myself back...i keep saying n giving spirit to myself...try to make things same as before...i try every single things i did before so i can be myself once more....but wat i see now...not even one i try to do...can destroy the wall between me now..n myself before...


How can i end this exhausting n unstoppable pains that keep flowing towards me...I juz wish a lil bit of light...it would be enough...juz a lil..n...awhile.....

"I realize...I'm juz a person who tried to gasping every tiny things back to normal which i know i will always trapped in vain no matter how hard i walk through....."