Lately..I've been distracted a lot..even though im in my holiday time now..my heart never feel like it..carrying burden n pains which i dunno wat to do...I feel trapped n somehow always quarantine myself from happiness..How pains to pretend nothings happen in front others when u really wanna express all of it...I didnt talk much anymore..n i didnt do many things also...Wanna shout n cry but will all the burden gone?
My holiday time was totally pointless....how i wish i can do something meaningful or cheer me up during the holiday..but all in vain..i sleep late everyday...i mean late not juz normal late..so damn late..around 6 am - 8 am...yeah..vampire i guess...n woke up around 5 pm - 7 pm...it juz like WTH!? I ruined my life time..so obvious how quickly everything became a mess for me...I wanna change back my sleep time..but it not that easy..i tried..coz i dun wan my life waste juz like that without spending it wisely...
My parent they did scold me for staying up all nite..but somehow they dun mind i sleep late...im so lucky had a parent like that..who really sporting...but i did feel guilty..so i wanna do something meaningful through out my days...
It not like I dun wanna sleep early..It juz so much things to think about..Im so tension wif my life..I couldnt had a normal sleep...I hate it..when my heart feel so heavy...so much burden inside...which i cant carry anymore..but wat can i do..my mind so confuse n stress that i couldnt make the right decision...day by day...i feel like im juz wasting my time for the thing i dun really put all my hardwork into it..i tired..i got supported from others which i appreciated it so much..gimme courages n advices...im truly appreciated it...but..this one..really..so much pains to think of..
I dun wanna trouble others..i dun wan them disappointed...I dun wan burden them...that y i keep it till now..which maybe i can make the right decision..but then it aldy how many weeks..n nearly one month..i still cant think straight...i do wanna say my problems is..but..if i say..for sure..a lot of questions coming to me..i juz dun wan make others worried...but i cant take it anymore...
Here it is..shud i..or shud i not drop...my...course..?not a subject...Course...yeah...course...sighhhhh....i didnt blame my course..i blame myself for not prepare n try to be more widely searching for wat i really want..didnt ask or at least be more care about the thing i really luv...i luv anime..yeah..it rite..i do..so much..when i heard my course name..was like film n animation n now change aldy the name to animation n visual effect...i heard that word..that single word "animation" made my heart burst aldy...i do know i will have to draw some things to move so it will call animation...but i didnt expect i will learn maya...not like i totally hate maya..but...my heart not for maya..im not to 3D...yeah i know..people said u not juz learn one specific thing u only like..but u need to spread n open for others too..i understand that..deeply inside of me...it juz like..not 3D plz...i juz wanna catch my dream that i want since i was a child before..i luv more tradisional..i do luv photoshop...at least..i luv adobe after effect..but i juz cant take maya...owhh plss...i juz luv maybe a canvas or painting..or something dirty my cloth..i choose animation coz i luv anime..but i guess im really dumb..choose the thing only by heard of it not survey it first..i wanna drop but...i aldy finished my first year degree on that course..it definitely will waste my another 3 years of my life if i change subject..im still young..but..im worried about my parent...plus wif loan thing..surely..n totally will make them stress wif me..put more burden..how many more i need to troubles others..im scare..im scare that i cant make the right decision..i havent tell them or anyone..i keep this for long time..i realize my heart not anymore in my course since the starting of 2nd sem..i juz give it a try coz i always convince myself at least try better than nothing..yet now..so much pains to carry on..
Shud I continue the course?i know everyone have their own problems n obstacles in their own study or course..i cant juz say only me feel the pains..but really..this one..never had this much burden whole my life..if i continue the course..will i make it to the end...?will i ever put my heart in it? will i say to myself not to give up n bring this matters of drop course again when im in troubles later?will i ever be happy for wat i do?n for most of all...will i ever be myself or fake myself through the entire years of my study..?
It not that easy..if u make this decision..this problems come..if another decision..more challenges come...every paths u go..always misery come to destroy u...How i wish it was fantasy...but reality killed me everytime...
My heart juz dun feel like where it belong anymore...Nearly all of me had gone slowly to the dark....Broke into pieces that even u combine it back still will leave marks forever...
Gomei kay! but also for me this holiday was like a waste, I slept so late and woke up also very late! today I decided not to sleep at all so that I can get very tired at night and sleep early!
ReplyDeleteAlso, don't worry too much about 3d! I asked the lecturers and they told me that beta is 2d and gamma will be 3d, for delta and final year project we can continue with 2d! they said they have to teach us 3d because it important, but if we do it for only one year then we continue!
But if you really lost your heart in AFX then also don't worry, I'll still support you! :D
remember, you're not alone, most of us are still new to 3d and all this! No one started out perfect! I think you get frustrated because you feel like you're not improving, but you are! Dont compare yourself to anyone else, but I already see the improvement! if you need any help, just ask your friends! don't carry everything in your heart :)