Weakness that lies in me

 "Those who laugh and happy most of the time is the one who been through/receive lot of pains..."

How to deny it when it is so true...Part of me that I wish to change...

Being so happy,always laugh and smile...it just suffocating me..People see me as childish for most of time and not yet learn to be mature because of that part of me..that part...Yesh..it not wrong being that way...I'm agree with it..but it like always for me..for some people know how to stop it when it is not the right time..but I just keep continue being in it even though it not please others much just to make people comfort and happy in their harsh times even for a little bit..but I guess people just misunderstood it...

It hurt that I need to keep on smiling and laughing even on simple things to cheer up myself..it so hurt that I trying to make the atmosphere happy to reduce my pains...Feeling like a dumb person..keep on laughing even it not funny..smile even it has nothing to do with it...so I can hide my sadness...

Feel like a great actor which I can fake myself...the thing that I try to avoid...faking most of things that I do...just because I want to cover or hide my pains...I know..people do this most of time...yet...for me..being always happy..laugh and smile..to make others not realize my pains just really hurt...

It feel so stupid...to keep on doing it when people keep on giving negative things about me..It good thing for hide my sadness...it is really a good thing...but somehow...I wish I can express my pains to others...but I just can't showing it through my expressions....

I want to cry in front of others when I feel sad or the situations is sad...but this tears won't fall no matter what...seeing sad stories with family or friends..they cried but I don't...some of them asked me..why you didn't cry it so sad...they said I got less emotion...I just laugh and smile after they said that to me...I also don't know why..I just cant give a good answer for that...when my relatives passed away...most people cry...I am not...I just see and quiet..when seeing my other friends cry at me or cry at others...some of my other friends cry along because feel the same pain...but not me...I just cheer them up and being happy to comfort them...

Feel like a tough person can stand the tears huh...but I am not...inside I'm crying heavily when all those moments happen...it so suffering in my heart that about to burst everytime but I hold it strongly...

It made me feel so unfair...seeing those who easily let their tears fall for others to see...Cry to make people see they really in sad condition...It not for attention or anything...it just how brave and eager you are to show your sad emotion and let others understand you...but not for me...

Most people said "You didn't show your tears or let it fall that mean you're strong and tough in enduring it.."so..what makes people who easily cry?damn weak?sissy and crybaby?they just try to let their pains out..let others see...at least it comfort and relieve a bit of their pains...to me..I just can't cry in front of people..not showing it to others doesn't make me strong...I feel so weak and suffering inside that feel like craving for some air...I'm not that tough to endure every single pains that attack me...Maybe I am strong in covering my tears from others to see it...but it definitely doesn't make entire of me strong at all...

Seeing my friends cry in front of me..seeing my family cry in front of me...This tears just don't wanna fall...I just being happy most of time..being the one who comfort others...I feel like if I'm not being like that..the situations will be more worse and never gonna end...when one person smile or happy...at least others will feel and follow it..

Inside of my heart...feel like gonna explode...It just pains being happy all the time to hide every hurt that I received..cover all my scars that will never vanish...No matter how strong I am in enduring my tears from falling or even showing my sadness to others...there will always be limit to something...

I know...I did show my sadness..not like 100% I hide it everytime...but 95% of the time I try to be happy...I just envy those who shows the right emotions at the right time...but for me..most of the time I just being happy..laugh and smile...again...it not wrong being happy always...but trying to be in my position then you will understand it...(even though it impossible...)

Seeing other people happy and smile just made my day...even it hurt that I being like pathetic who always happy but if it does relieve a bit of my pains and make other people happy too...then let it be...let it keep within me when I know I just can't stop being like that because I am who I am...

"This tears only flows in loneliness...embrace to be happiness...that hide the sadness..."

Break or Stop?

I wish time can stop forever...yea...sound like I ask for death...but...on the same time..most part of me...I wish time can stop where I can command it...

It so exhausting...Keep bringing back those pains u aldy threw away...As we know...they may gone away from us...but those scars that left behind...cant be destroy at all...simply say...no matter how hard u try to vanish it...it remains forever...how much u forget...it still there...cant be deny...will always there...the time when u get into another pain...those past pains coming back control u along with the new pain...juz how strong u are to endure it...everyone can do that...if they believe in themselves...but for me...not anymore i guess...maybe before...but now i aldy lost those important things inside of me...

Break or Stop?...I wish I can take stop...but I juz cant...coz it the reality...in this world...u juz cant stop...wat u do...day by day...even u stop from doing anything in ur life..juz sit there doin nothing...still..ur breath keep on gasping for oxygen...it will continue...unless u die...It juz impossible to expect the things u dun wan to be stop...while the things u luv to continue dancing around u...it juz...impossible...

Break or Stop?...Choosing break?...will it change after the break to the things u wan?...it possible..if ur will strong n courage enough to make it come true...but not me...even i take break path...i dun think it will change...u need something unbelievable n unexpected miracle in the break time to bring u back to life after been through in those dark hole...easy say...break doesnt effect me at all unless extraordinary thing enter my heart...i wish for it...but..till now i dun see any...

Both seem vain ways for me huh...I dun see light coming through me in this year...everything juz seem not right n always wrong...tears aldy became compulsory for me...flows each days i can say lately....it embarassing but somehow..the only way to reduce a bit of my pains...even though it not work anymore...i still feel the same...a little bit things touched my heart...this tears juz unconsciously fall without warning...

I realize..I nearly lost all part of me...as i step in adult world...i wish time can turn back to the scenes i want...
those sweet memories aldy been taken by those bitter memories....tried very best juz words to keep moving forward...but cant fool me anymore...

My heart aldy became half stone...My soul trapped in darkness...as I barely believe in any hopes anymore since those moments that I been cheated...Surrounding me only vain hopes that keep on coming...I beg that give me no more fake hopes....I'm juz really tired....

I wanna put final decision...I wish everyone can agree with it...coz I only see death path n fake heart only in my life now...I cant live with it...this is juz not who i am...i change a lot..but not to the way i want it to be..the opposite of it that killing my desire...Longing for my old self...praying that something will pull me to those dreams back.............

~" To the moment where my fantasies never die..."~

Excuses?

Everything that I say will seem like an excuses....Most of it...since before...coz I always said nonsense n laugh/smile on silly things...but the truth is im trying my best to join their world n make them comfortable being around me...but I guess that juz made me look stupid...not matured enough somehow got lot of that from many mouths...one of the reason of wat I say probably sound as an excuses...
That why I prefer silent more now than expressing the truth...It more better keeping it rather than receive more pains later...at least...it...more better...than letting this tears flowing non stop...again n again....

Independent/Dependent

First of all...I shud be doin assignment at this moment instead of mumbling at here...since time is precious i know..if i be someone else i aldy yell n shout at myself ask to continue not wasting my time...but then..I guess only this way my pains can release a bit..n pull back a little bit of my courage to continue doin it later...I juz cant stand anymore...yeah im weak...i admit it...


I know from before I only depend on people...I do independent when it need to...but mostly im go wif dependent...


How can i describe it...the time u wanna express that u wanna try to be n prove that u can be independent...but no one will really 100% believe u...coz u aldy depend too much on others...it aldy shown obviously....It is hurt but at same time understandable..coz most of it was true...but wat can i do...change not that easy...if it like piece of cake..this world would have more better people i guess...


I feel so much depend on others..everyone know that..i keep on saying about this word...coz i really not satisfy wif myself..how much i try to be independent...the dependent part always come later on...


I feel so down...I dunno wat to do..even doin assignment gave lot probs to me...that is normal in human life... i know that..but for me feel like big stone fall over me...(yeah i know..im so dramatic)...but this assignment is the subject i hate the most...the lecturer is cool..i like him teaching me..juz i dunno y the software thing juz cant go to my heart...i express about this before in my previous post...how much i hate maya...i dunno y..everytime i try to make it as a good entertainment for me instead of thinking about doin assignment on it..but i still cant...


I promised to myself..i will do better n try my best in this new sem...i dun wanna be like last time anymore..but that juz a talk to myself...i not really into it...my heart juz gone...other subjects aldy up my spirit...but juz this one..not even a little give me something to encourage me more...how i see my frens so hardworking learning n study about it while i juz doin nothing...i juz not try to go into it...coz i juz cant..no matter how much i force myself...i still push maya away far from me...i admire my fren coz he tried his best...not like me...he somehow help me a lot from before..he does change to more hardworking nmore considerate through his work...but me still the same...


ystrdy i shud have submit my assignment...coz many probs came to me...made me stop from submit it...as it stop from there...my entire energy also stop...when think back...im not doing so last min...i tried to prove to myself n force myself to do assignment more fast than last min like always..i know i cant change all of it to be so fast doin it...but at least i wish it slowly make me do earlier...then more earlier...it not easy to change something so fast...u need step by step for that or u will give up straight away...i see most people like that include me...how much i tried...i guess how much i hate maya...that much maya counter attack me back...maybe coz of my hate for it...i juz cant do the work more properly...coz i dun appreciate it...


by the time i doing assignment..i told myself..it gonna be ok...even though i hate maya..i still can like it a little..maybe...after slowly doin it often...i feel...somehow..excited n happy when got first assignment in this sem...i still hate maya..but..plus wif matchmover...i guess it gonna be awesome..since i focus in class n it seem nice to do...my spirit went up a lot...as my wish that this sem gonna be better...no more playing so much n try to be a bit more serious...


unfortunately..i guess...even maya dun wan accept me...it so pains when u try to be independent when doing ur assignment...u dun wan to troubles other anymore...still dependent attract u more when a little worse thing coming while doing it...since i depend on others so much...i promised myself..try not to give so much troubles to others...especially my frens when doing assignment..they have their own things also n busy...i feel like wasting their time everytime i ask them to help me...even though i know they so kind n sweet frens that they will help...but then...there u go...independent it so hard...for some part it is easy...but for some part u juz cant throw away dependent attitude...


I feel so stupid that an easy assignment took me so much times to finish...(not even finish yet...more worse)...i refrain myself from asking others...or ask others to help me...the day i started doin the assignment..i feel so proud n happy...though it gonna be awesome n simple..(i know it not always so simple...but at least a bit simple)....the beginning part aldy great..until centre...i feel so stress out...i wanna shout...i put so much effort..search on youtubes...google...another places also...i still wanna be independent...like one of my fren said...try to do it urself first..dun always ask for others...u can do it...put more confident in urself...im really thankful for my fren saying that..at least i feel like trying my best...from that part...i dun even wanna ask people when im in trouble wif assignment...i try to be somehow like "Person who knows everything"...even though i only know half of it...feeling guilty n dun wan troubles others...i tried so hard....


But im still dumb...i guess at least others aldy done theirs...even they tried their best like me..n they more fast learner than me...i feel like im so slow that simple thing i dunno how to do...i feel like so useless...till my heart about to burst...i tried asked one of my fren...so i will not disturb my fren that always help me...it like..even though they are ur fren...which person will not get annoys when u keep clinging around them...that y i feel guilty...i tried asked my other fren instead of the fren i used to ask...i dun wanna disturb him anymore...that aldy too much...till i feel ashamed of myself..but then...i guess...it totally pointless tried to be so independent when u know u still wanna be dependent...i went ask my fren that used to help me a lot...u think i dun feel shy...u think i dun feel like try my best again...u think i didnt force myself to not give up...in the same time...i juz cant...part where my weakness come in...i feel so embarassed asking that fren of mine...im trying to be cool like not asking him..maybe i can show i can do on my own...but i failed..i still asked him...even asked for help...im tired...eveytime those hardwork i did..always went down to disaster...tried to be more confident n convince myself..it not always gonna be so bad...but then..more misery came on later...


it like non stop challenges...i dun blame it...i juz blame myself coz not that strong to be independent...that moment..u nearly success...suddenly...gone everything..or stuck that u hardly remove it...
wat to do..n juz like wat to do...everytime worse came to me...even typing msg to ask for help is hard for me...that i feel so shame...


y..?at the time i tried to prove to myself that this time gonna be better...it came as bad results...i feel like...everytime i nearly give up..but i keep continue..was a good part...but at the same time...i feel like..i shud juz give up...the time u suddenly freeze n totally clueless on wat to do next that u aldy know u juz cant continue it anymore as it pains u out....


sorry so much to my fren that always help me...so much sorry...i juz cant kill my dependent part of mine...
i try to be more better...i try it slowly...i will try it...i will...


still havent finish the assignment as im so stupid dunno how to do it as other people aldy can make it many times...even i had another chance to resubmit...how kind the lecturer is...but then i juz cant continue it that im really slow in it...even my frens said change the file format or go to this n there...im so dumb dunno which image to change and where it is ..n wat next...wat this...so slow pick up things..(i know i cant always said im slow n stupid..but i juz cant help it to describe how am i when doing maya...)...i dun wanna ask my fren anymore on where the image is..or wat next....not like i afraid that they will think like im so stupid dunno where it is...i juz feel guilty that i keep on asking without finding n search it more...(even though i did searched it n go to many files n so on.....tried this way n that way..still the same...like i said..im so slow...im sorry for this part of me...it juz me...when the thing i hate it become so slower for me to learn n figure it out...)...im sorry...


I know..people will say..y u take this subject if u hate do the assignment...honestly...i luv other subject assignment..if im lazy doin it..mean im really lazy in that assignment...but..only for this subject...i juz cant hold it...somehow i feel like...y they cant juz throw the subject away n left the others...no they cant...i know that...the subject is a main n u need to learn it...i nearly drop the course last time...but this time no...
i feel like laughing teasingly to myself that i promised to be better this sem n not think about drop out or give up or so on...but..not even half sem...i aldy half give up...im so pathetic....where is my confident..where is my courage...where is my spirit...gone vainly that im not even try to catch it back...hopeless...


Dunno y i feel so down about this assignment...maybe coz...i aldy put a promised to myself..this time gonna be different but then it came back to the old one...


I juz like wanna say...."it ok then...even though i tried my best...it only 5%...maybe i try more better  n prove myself in next assignment..."...inside my heart..."no it not..im not gonna quit...after wat i been through so much..." but outside of me..."sure..i will give it up aldy...i can do it next time..." being in between...always the weakness for human...can i juz...put a stop aldy...


I realize everytime i tried to give reasons...mostly come as an excuses...it aldy normal in human life...that y i wanna stop being dependent...(even u know human juz cant stop being dependent..it a nature in them...)..as i feel people trust on me keep on decreasing time by time each times i try to depend on them...n it will remain in them that u are that way unless u can prove to them strongly u are different as they thought u are...then only they will change their perspectives...it point to me as well....somehow..everyone...we are human...


"Ego of mine refrain myself from asking others anymore...Yet...tears in my heart crawling for someone to help me desperately..."

Expressing

"No matter how hard I tried to express the words but they will always listen to those who more greater than I am...Hurt and sad but true..."


"From that moment..this soul no longer can embrace those tiny happiness as it already covered with fakeness and lies..."


"Those broken heart can always be combine all the pieces back together...Yet...you can never bring the pure one back to itself..."


"Waiting and still waiting for that key of light to open this pandora box even though time passes with vainly hoping..."

Unspoken Pains and Truths

It hurt me deeply since that day we argue...It stunned me a lot wif ur bitter words...I told that i was goin AFK...I lied...I couldnt stand anymore...ur words made my tears flows badly...my fingers hardly type the keys on the keyboard...U said i ignored u coz i didnt reply ur question...i didnt mean to...but my heart badly hurt that my tears keep flowing more heavily...im afraid my family members will see me crying...I refrain myself from seeing the computer..i walked to the toilet...continue crying inside as that the only place no one would see me in ugly condition....a place that release a bit of my pains since im a kid...


I know...it was pointless we be in this position coz of a doll...I was too happy that day...i willing to share a bit of my excited feeling to u...until u started to disagree wif me...i know it was ridiculous...most of ur points was right..i didnt deny it...even though i want the doll badly...i know some points u gave me was true...it a wasting...i know..it not juz a little money spend on it...i know..maybe im crazy...y would a human wan a doll instead of get other things that can give more benefits to u...that was ur opinion...i respect that...coz u more older than me..i always luv to hear ur opinions...as we did always from before...


Then until one point...I cant bear anymore...my heart was about to burst...when u said I always forced my parent to buy something i want...i force n force until i get it...yesh...this is true...so much true...a part of me that i hate since before...try to change it..but..i juz cant...u was really true about that...i feel guilty to my parent...so much guilty..being this kind of attitude...i gave so much troubles to them...u think i didnt feel hurt always gave them weight on their shoulder...i wish i can be a better daughter...but this person still in process of trying the best of her...it hurt me more badly when u said i love to spent a lot n wasting my money...so deeply hurt...it a slightly true...coz i luv spend it on something that i luv..but not wasting it...when i denied a bit...u started to said i use my ptptn loan to pay...n say dun use it on the doll...i feel so sad that moment...u was true...i cant juz use my ptptn loan on something like that...coz the loan for my study n daily uses...


Yesh..im thinking about use the loan on getting the doll...then u started to argued more n furiously wanna stop me from doing it...i respect u for that...coz maybe i shud not use the loan on the doll...really shud not...u think i didnt think about that...it hurt me thinking of using the loan for the doll...i juz couldnt resist u keep saying im wasting my money...u dun even know how i spend it...i begin to said how i use my money...in wat way..but u keep interfere n continuously saying im wasting...it hurt me...my tears was about to flow...i tried end the conversation by saying no one would believe me anyway...yeah...no one would believe me anyway how i spend my money...coz all this time..i was always be an immature person in front of my family n relatives...know wat...someone told me.."u can forgive but u can never forget..."...i remember how many people saying a lot of cruel words to me...always said im immature...so hard to think mature n always gave troubles to others...it was right...i admit it...i am immature...always made people angry...even my parent sometimes cant stand my attitude..but wat can i do...im the eldest child in my family...i dun have brother or sister to refer to...how i wish i had some siblings above me to teach me about life or experiences they had in their life...i didnt blame for being the eldest child...i blame myself coz i couldnt be someone that my parent wan coz im not that strong enough..i lack of experiences...im in process of learning the life...trying to be mature...but i am still wat i am...i remember u said to me..."no matter wat surrounding u been through later...always be urself..dun change to worse...always keep ur opinions...ur trueself.."...ur words gave me confident..know wat...i always wan a bro like u...so caring n loving...u so close to me...i wish u my real bro...all this time...u been advised n encourage me...i really thankful n appreciate for wat u did to me..u the best n closest cousin to me...i luv how close our hearts is that im always excited being around u...


But...it really hurt me..when u said im wasting..n use the loan...u made me feel like im so useless...yesh...somehow im a bit useless...i cant even give the best n make everyone proud of me..i always give up in my life...but i wanna try...give all i had to get n achieve my dreams...i dun wanna brag..showing off..or anything...but i wanna tell how my money was spent...since...i was a kid..i luv to keep my money..i hate spending it...coz it so happy when getting money...i collected n kept the money...until teenager...i didnt spend at all..instead put it in bank...but know where the money gone...?..my mom used it for our family life...i didnt angry...but im happy..at least the money was useful...still in teenager life..i luv keeping my money..got from my daily money my mom gave me for school...somehow..i didnt eat at all at school everyday...i eat at home..n i keep the money...not coz i wanna buy something..coz i luv collect money..im weird...i know..other people would spend it away...seeing my frens bought many good n nice things..made my heart move...but..i still didnt spend it..i dunno y...i am like that...some i spend on treating my frens or foods...but..for the things i like...not so many...it like hundreds i got...i luv seeing the money...until one day...my house got robbed..my money blown away...i feel so disappointed n angry...all my hardwork..i wan keep it in bank for my future use..gone juz like that...but then..i still continue keeping it...in the bank...until im form 5...but..again..my mom used it for our family uses...at least the money can spend on my family..i luv that...then i still have this weird attitude keeping the money...got some money i hide somewhere..so i couldnt spend it..know where the money gone now...? the cosplay costume...yesh..the money was used on that...i was so happy it spent on the thing i luv..at least for long time..there something that i use on the thing i luv...


I dun hang out much...when i go out..i spend on foods mostly..again...sometimes i feel guilty to my frens..they asked me to hang out..but i scare if the money decrease quickly...I do so much wanna treat my frens..they treat me many thing a lot..gave me many things..i was so touched..but me..i seldom treat them..not being stingy..but im scare...Im so happy when sometime i can help them or treat them with money...feeling useful at least...sorry guys...if i could been more better...


Im not like some people who luv buying clothes...shoes..make up..or other expensive things...even my mom said to me..u have the ptptn loan..y wouldnt u spend on ur clothes or something...i can say that..none of my clothes or even shoes..or make up...more than RM100...except one of my jeans which accidentally wrong bought..that i thought it was less than RM100..coz no price stated on the jeans...only one...my clothes i can say only one that cost RM60...others not more than that...only one..again...know where the most my money gone?...on my foods...yeah..i luv eating a lot...my family n relatives know that...i was so happy that at least i spent it on human needed...i didnt said people who luv shopping was wasting...No...absolutely not..i respect their hobby or choices...at least that things give advantages..coz it a daily need also...that y..i was thinking..if they have their own hobby..or even got the things they like...then wat I like?...i couldnt see something that i really really n really luv to buy...something expensive...at this point...when in school...my frens got lot of expensive things..but my heart didnt get attract to it...i maybe luv seeing their things..but i dun even feel like buying one...i do envy..coz my family not rich..n i was teach to be average...if u cant buy that..it ok..that y..i planted in myself that it was ok...3 years ago...i wanna change my phone...yeah i know..u didnt use phone...maybe i shud juz satisfied for wat phone i aldy had...i wanna buy new..not coz i wan more expensive or fancy phone..i juz wan phone that can put song n some several uses...for my own good..i didnt care if it cheap as long have wat i need...i thought i will get it on my burday 3 years ago...but no...i understand..my parent cant afford it..n i understand my family probs...i juz stay quiet..next year..i gave hint..i wish can get it on my burday again..but no...still no..then it ok..i guess it not the time yet...then 1 year ago...i was waiting for it on my burday...but..i juz got cake..no present at all..since before i always got present..but i know..the condition not good..my family had probs wif money..i still remain quiet..i dun wan trouble my parent..coz i wanna learn be mature..i dun wan force anymore..it hurt deeply..but wat can i do..then i used ptptn loan bought new phone...not coz im angry didnt get the phone..coz at least i didnt use my parent money..so they can use for others...i know it ptptn loan..but doesnt it the money i will pay later after i get my job..doesnt it consider my money..so i feel relieve at least..i feel like using my own money..even though it not money i work yet...not yet...money that not yet mine until i full pay it back...


The loan..i use for foods mostly again...n helping my mom..my mom borrowed from me..i feel happy..at least can help my mom...the money used for the Gen2 car...u know wat happened to my car...the money used on my computer upgrade for my study...n used on nenek perak uses...n use on my family uses...all of it near RM5000...i dun even mumbling about it..i dun even wan to mention it..i juz wan tell the truth...i luv helping my mom...even though i always been called stingy in my family..coz i hardly lend my money to them..know y i stingy?..coz i scare the money will be finished..then by that time..i didnt have money to use for my family emergency times any longer...i rather been called stingy than telling the truth..i dun wan to make others worried or bragging or anything...i luv keep silent that i wanna help my family as much as i can...even it not my money..it was my loan..at least..if that little money can help my family..im willing to...


I used on buying present for my mom n dad..shud see how happy my mom face is when got my present..i feel so enjoy n excited seeing my mom that way...know y?...coz when in school i didnt have much money to buy expensive things for my mom..even though people say..buy from ur heart...if cheaper doesnt matter as long u sincere give it...i know..but i wan at least give one expensive thing to my mom..i dun care my things not expensive..but i wan my mom wear something expensive...coz..i can feel my mom really wan try wear something valuable like other moms...that y now..i bought a bit expensive things for my mom..seeing her wearing it..really made my day...


I treasured every things that i love securely n carefully wif lots of luv..every presents i got from people..i stored it in my closet..even sleep beside me..I cried the first time i got my piano..it the expensive present ever i got from my parent..i really deeply appreciate it...that nite i couldnt sleep..but i cry..coz too happy..i easily touch when someone give something to me...even my face didnt show any expression..but when im alone..im so delighted...that y i think..if i got the doll..i can keep it preciously as i did to my other things...


Yesh..I wan that doll badly..i dunno y..maybe im mental..it is wasting..i know...after we argued that nite..i cried every nite..i barely sleep..my heart so hurt..headache n hardly breath..my tears flow non stop..each nite..i forgot how to smile sincerely n happily since that day...i always laughed when go to class in my car in the way to my university n even back from my university..but now i dun even speak along the way..i feel guilty to my parent..but i scare..if i speak..i wanna cry...i couldnt smile when wif my family..even my fren said to me y my eyes looks so sore..n y i looks pale like sick...i couldnt give the honest answer..coz surely i will cry...my attitude change a bit..even my mom n family see something wrong in me...a little bit sad things i see or happen..my tears automatically flows..before i can stop it..but now..it so hard to stop..never been in my life..i feel deeply hurt n change me like this...it a big impact i feel..my mom knew we fight...i dunno if u told my mom or maklong...my mom advised me..dun fight wif ur cousin..that the only closest cousin ever u had...juz coz of doll..so expensive u fight...coz of nonsense thing u fight...know wat happen after that?..im about to cry..that time i was eating in front of my mom...i carried my foods n walked upstairs..never in my life i act like that in front of my family...i cried badly..cant even continue eating..it really hurt me...u think i didnt feel guilty ..i do feel stupid fighting for something like that..so useless..but then...my lip feel like been chain..i couldnt even speak to my mom like i usually did..when my mom said something i always fight back my opinions..but this time..i juz silent n walked away..how badly hurt i feel that i couldnt express it..coz...no one would believe in me anyway...everything i said was excuses..since before..i already get use to that...how much pains i kept but at that moment..i was speechless..i feel guilty act like that to my mom..i shud not..seriously..it was first time..i didnt fight back..i juz quiet n went away..my tears was about to burst...since that moment wif my mom..until today..i dun even smile wif my family...i act really differently..my mom noticed that..i know she would..not coz i wan she know..coz i really cant be myself anymore..i forget how to smile happily..full of pains inside..im crying terribly...


Juz coz of a doll....i feel so dumb...juz coz of that...im really crazy...I cry more painly as each time i think about the doll..i feel so guilty n at same time i was so wan it...never in my life i luv something that really expensive...u said it not worth..i know...somehow..i juz fall for it beautiness...but..i juz realized..it does help in my study...since i take animation..i wanna draw human pose...the doll really helpful...from i was in school..i wish for something that can be my model of my drawing...but i never find the good one...i cant ask real human pose 24 hours in front of me...i can imagine drawing pose..but for us artist/painter/animator...we luv refer to something that real..which can touch n feel..so that feeling can flows into the drawing...i know..this seem to be like an excuses for getting the doll...but for me..at least it does give me some advantages...u dun even gimme chances to speak my heart out...hurt me by ur actions...I prayed every night..as i usually did since i was a kid..only to God i can express my pains out...I asked..y that doll came to my life?..y God sent me the doll link..?..is there any "hikmah" behind it...?..things doesnt happen without a reason...i wanna know..so i asked for God direction..i said..if my heart still ache n sad or excited seeing the doll next day n so on...i will buy it...if my interest become less..so..i will forget it...but..wat i realize..when i try to forget it..since it so hurt that i know how many obstacles in getting it..yet..my heart so hurt seeing the doll n at same time..couldnt resist from seeing it...im crazy definitely...obviously..i fall for it deeply..i still waiting..if this feeling could be less..or juz fake...so im still waiting...u think i didnt scare if i regret after buying it?...got one of my fren said this to me..."u never know u will regret it until u be in that position.."..doesnt it seem like a part of learning getting mistakes n experiences in my life?i wouldnt know wat the doll will give me...positive or negative until i be in that position..


Maybe this is wat God showed to me...that doll will be my confident n spirit in my future..who knows..coz i nearly drop my course n stop my study last few months..no one know that except my frens...they supported me n encourage me..made me continue my study..n i remember ur confident in do wat u want...got many times u really inspired me..u worked hard in every thing that u do..not like me..i easily being down...seeing u in that way..made me raise back my confident..somehow i admire ur characteristic...but then..the moments i nearly stop studying...i prayed to God..that i wish some miracles that can gimme courage..confident n spirit back through this short sem of my study...yet i didnt get the spirit like i wan to...until i saw the doll..im maybe weird n nonsense..but the doll aura juz gave me some unique feeling that made me cant stop thinking about it..y that doll came to my life in my harsh times? is God wanna show something to me?..i did saw the doll last year...but my feeling still normal that time..but this time..i see it twice n more widely..my heart feel something unusual...weird but true...y this time not that time....


That day..I went to ur house..made me nervous n guilty...i dunno how to act in front of u..after we argued that day...i thought u gonna be so mad at me..but then u came to the door n greet me happily...i wanna cry...not coz i angry wif u..im so happy that u dun even mad at me..even though i acted n log away after we quarrel that time...but..my heart really hurt..it pains that i couldnt even let my words out to talk wif u...Im so sorry..im so silent n dun even see ur face that day at ur house..not coz i hate or mad..coz i couldnt bear if i see right into ur face..i will start cry...i feel so guilty that i cant even speak to u..i dunno wat to start with...i dunno wat to speak out the first word...u tried to speak n be comfort to me..but i seem to ran away n rather quiet all the time..i cried in ur house toilet..so shame..that i couldnt stand my sadness...after i heard ur mom said to my mom...that u so eager n exited wanna come to my house..always told ur mom to go to my house...i was touched..u so happy to see n come to my house..yet i acted like that in front of u...im deeply sorry bro...


U always been someone that I luv as a bro...U encouraged n advised me a lot...U always been so lovely n caring to me...I feel fun everytime with u...being by ur side..i could speaks out my heart...i didnt feel shy or scare when chat wif u like my other cousin...u the closest...warm n calm cousin bro that i had...if i wish u really my real bro...i luv the way u protect n always been alert toward me...i feel comfortable each time with u...I admire u so much...ur spirit n hard work really inspired me...I respect u...


Deep within my heart...I scare this moment where we will quarrel n stop talking to each others...n it came..Im sorry..i couldnt be great n nice cousin...it juz hurt that i feel i less one support from someone i luv that the person dun wanna hear my heart feel...I feel so unfair that some people can get the things that they love n spend lot of money on the things they like but me...im juz about to spend it on my first expensive thing that i love..but I cant...I know that their problems if they wanna waste their money n I shud not follow them..U was right most of the times...I respect ur decisions..but..I juz wish u can respect mine..I know i will be wrong...or maybe i will regret...but got someone said this to me.. "do and achieve wat u love or want as long as u still can...u never know wat will happen until u go through it..."...i maybe can buy it many years later..but then..i remembered my fren told me.. "i wanna do wat i wan as long i still alive..u never know when u will die...u will regret the mistake u done...but u never know the happiness awaits u..."...these days..I asked other people opinions..i remembered some people quotes to me...n i was struggle making a right decision...i still wait..maybe i was true..or i was wrong...until this heart really decide wat it want...until then..i will give more thoughts...


Terribly sorry from my heart to u Bro...im so sorry acted that way...im so sorry didnt talk to u that day..im so sorry only now i speaks wat i feel...im so sorry i cant be more tougher...im so sorry i couldnt take ur advise that time..im so sorry that i deeply wan the doll badly as i ignored u...im so sorry being so stupid n crazy..im so sorry that i really wan my dream come true like other people had their own dream...im so sorry i couldnt express wat i feel honestly..


Sincerely from bottom of my heart...I will always love u as my Bro...Thank you for everything...I really mean n appreciate it...Thank you so much...Honestly..U the best bro ever that I had....Luv ya bro...

Ur cloth made my day..^_^

<3

Bitter Moments

Everyone have their own bitter time they wish to be erase...but..how hard u tried..it never ever forever vanish from u...yeah...not that easy..when remember it back again n again...when u tried to ignore n go far away from it..still..it come back to u..no matter how tough u are..


It so pain that it stick wif u forever...u wish it never happen before..wanna turn back the time n change it to the way u wan it to be...but that juz fantasy or imagination...so torture that..when u wanna get rid of it..u try every single ways to make it stop haunting u...yet..it so hopeless...


Yesh..it a part of  u that u need to appreciate it...so true..somehow it can change to ur happiness...who knows...it true also...the quote that been carried wif me along till now...to keep me away from feeling down n try accept as the way it is...coz i believe..there always been miracles..every bitter incidents had some mystery in it..that u need to reveal it or solve it as the key to ur own happiness...same like pandora box..I guess...


One of my fav song that the lyric so alike wif my feeling right now...wanna share it...
Taken from anime Detective Conan..since Youtubers can't put the full song coz of copyright...I only managed to get the short version...(I had the long version..but lazy to upload..sorry for that..I'm lazy..=.=")....Misty Mystery by Garnet Crow :-

Why are we walking, putting hope

into a future we cannot see?

Why am I astir

like in the middle of thinking of you?

What did you obtain

in exchange for separation and tears?

They say only prayers reach you

We meet under a sixteen-day-old moon

Just showing

a scene like afterimage of a faraway town

a sweet reminiscience going round and round

like a summer's storm

Sadness is a natural phenomenon

Tranquility is just an impression

Looking for a keyword to explain the state of my heart

Like the light in the meadows vanishing in the wind

Misty Mystery

Why is every day

testing the strength of love?

Now, kindness is like a wind

blowing at a distance

Every time we put up with loneliness and solitude

something remains here

After we've stopped wishing

we become aware of the sky's endlessness

Just watching

a shade dazzling the eyes by a strong sunlight

the imagination of dreaming the same dream

sometimes, suffering is indispensable

Pain is just a reaction

Passion is a passing impression

The trembling state of my heart, take it

Ah, wanting

Misty Mystery like being secretly swallowed up by the evening twilight

Love as it is will change its form

If you say there's still something I don't know

I'll keep to stay

Just showing

a scene like after image of a faraway town

a sweet reminiscence going round and round

like a summer's storm

Sadness is a natural phenomenon

Tranquility is just an impression

Looking for a keyword to explain the state of my heart

Repeatedly swaying illusions

Long sentiments passing over the night

Like the light in the meadows vanishing in the wind

Misty Mystery 

Tired

Im so...really..deeply...tired n exhausted of everything...Like many people want that they wish can stop the time or return back the past...it not gonna happen..


Im tired..but i will give it a try...it juz been how many days...but my heart still not in it...i hope i can change something n bring back the spirit that i lost back again inside of me...but..really..it seem i been pushing myself only instead of trying...


Im tired..that i wish..i really will be hardwork this time...but everything seem down to me...something still lost from part of me...i wanna gain something...dun wanna give up now...i promised myself..it gonna be okay...but for how long i guess it will last...it juz few days..i aldy complained a lot...yesh im lazy...yeah i know people always said lazy doesnt make anything out of u..it not like i didnt know wat am i gonna be if i stay lazy forever...but wat can i sure say if i do like something...100% i will put it through even it take all of me...juz this one...i dunno how to explain...im really exhausted...


Stepping into my Uni aldy made me feel horrible n uncomfortable aura that wan bring me down...gladly..my frens made me cheer up...luv ya guys...but seriously...everything seem annoys to me when it come to study...n any that related to it..even class...n pathway at my faculty...i dun feel happy at all when i walk there like last time...the moody aura haunted me...


Why...my heart cant focus n try to fit in...im tired pushing n forcing it to accept the things that I nearly fully hate it...everyone been working hard..tried their best...but wat i do..nothing...yup...NONE...it not like i dun wanna do it..but..if i do...it will be half hearted...


Im tired saying okay everytime it was REALLY...not okay...how many lies i need to make..seeing me this way now..i miss the old me...


"Something inside this heart that cant refrain itself anymore from darkness that fall within it..."

Reality and Fantasy

Lately..I've been distracted a lot..even though im in my holiday time now..my heart never feel like it..carrying burden n pains which i dunno wat to do...I feel trapped n somehow always quarantine myself from happiness..How pains to pretend nothings happen in front others when u really wanna express all of it...I didnt talk much anymore..n i didnt do many things also...Wanna shout n cry but will all the burden gone?


My holiday time was totally pointless....how i wish i can do something meaningful or cheer me up during the holiday..but all in vain..i sleep late everyday...i mean late not juz normal late..so damn late..around 6 am - 8 am...yeah..vampire i guess...n woke up around 5 pm - 7 pm...it juz like WTH!? I ruined my life time..so obvious how quickly everything became a mess for me...I wanna change back my sleep time..but it not that easy..i tried..coz i dun wan my life waste juz like that without spending it wisely...


My parent they did scold me for staying up all nite..but somehow they dun mind i sleep late...im so lucky had a parent like that..who really sporting...but i did feel guilty..so i wanna do something meaningful through out my days...


It not like I dun wanna sleep early..It juz so much things to think about..Im so tension wif my life..I couldnt had a normal sleep...I hate it..when my heart feel so heavy...so much burden inside...which i cant carry anymore..but wat can i do..my mind so confuse n stress that i couldnt make the right decision...day by day...i feel like im juz wasting my time for the thing i dun really put all my hardwork into it..i tired..i got supported from others which i appreciated it so much..gimme courages n advices...im truly appreciated it...but..this one..really..so much pains to think of..


I dun wanna trouble others..i dun wan them disappointed...I dun wan burden them...that y i keep it till now..which maybe i can make the right decision..but then it aldy how many weeks..n nearly one month..i still cant think straight...i do wanna say my problems is..but..if i say..for sure..a lot of questions coming to me..i juz dun wan make others worried...but i cant take it anymore...


Here it is..shud i..or shud i not drop...my...course..?not a subject...Course...yeah...course...sighhhhh....i didnt blame my course..i blame myself for not prepare n try to be more widely searching for wat i really want..didnt ask or at least be more care about the thing i really luv...i luv anime..yeah..it rite..i do..so much..when i heard my course name..was like film n animation n now change aldy the name to animation n visual effect...i heard that word..that single word "animation" made my heart burst aldy...i do know i will have to draw some things to move so it will call animation...but i didnt expect i will learn maya...not like i totally hate maya..but...my heart not for maya..im not to 3D...yeah i know..people said u not juz learn one specific thing u only like..but u need to spread n open for others too..i understand that..deeply inside of me...it juz like..not 3D plz...i juz wanna catch my dream that i want since i was a child before..i luv more tradisional..i do luv photoshop...at least..i luv adobe after effect..but i juz cant take maya...owhh plss...i juz luv maybe a canvas or painting..or something dirty my cloth..i choose animation coz i luv anime..but i guess im really dumb..choose the thing only by heard of it not survey it first..i wanna drop but...i aldy finished my first year degree on that course..it definitely will waste my another 3 years of my life if i change subject..im still young..but..im worried about my parent...plus wif loan thing..surely..n totally will make them stress wif me..put more burden..how many more i need to troubles others..im scare..im scare that i cant make the right decision..i havent tell them or anyone..i keep this for long time..i realize my heart not anymore in my course since the starting of 2nd sem..i juz give it a try coz i always convince myself at least try better than nothing..yet now..so much pains to carry on..


Shud I continue the course?i know everyone have their own problems n obstacles in their own study or course..i cant juz say only me feel the pains..but really..this one..never had this much burden whole my life..if i continue the course..will i make it to the end...?will i ever put my heart in it? will i say to myself not to give up n bring this matters of drop course again when im in troubles later?will i ever be happy for wat i do?n for most of all...will i ever be myself or fake myself through the entire years of my study..?


It not that easy..if u make this decision..this problems come..if another decision..more challenges come...every paths u go..always misery come to destroy u...How i wish it was fantasy...but reality killed me everytime...


My heart juz dun feel like where it belong anymore...Nearly all of me had gone slowly to the dark....Broke into pieces that even u combine it back still will leave marks forever...