Independent/Dependent

First of all...I shud be doin assignment at this moment instead of mumbling at here...since time is precious i know..if i be someone else i aldy yell n shout at myself ask to continue not wasting my time...but then..I guess only this way my pains can release a bit..n pull back a little bit of my courage to continue doin it later...I juz cant stand anymore...yeah im weak...i admit it...


I know from before I only depend on people...I do independent when it need to...but mostly im go wif dependent...


How can i describe it...the time u wanna express that u wanna try to be n prove that u can be independent...but no one will really 100% believe u...coz u aldy depend too much on others...it aldy shown obviously....It is hurt but at same time understandable..coz most of it was true...but wat can i do...change not that easy...if it like piece of cake..this world would have more better people i guess...


I feel so much depend on others..everyone know that..i keep on saying about this word...coz i really not satisfy wif myself..how much i try to be independent...the dependent part always come later on...


I feel so down...I dunno wat to do..even doin assignment gave lot probs to me...that is normal in human life... i know that..but for me feel like big stone fall over me...(yeah i know..im so dramatic)...but this assignment is the subject i hate the most...the lecturer is cool..i like him teaching me..juz i dunno y the software thing juz cant go to my heart...i express about this before in my previous post...how much i hate maya...i dunno y..everytime i try to make it as a good entertainment for me instead of thinking about doin assignment on it..but i still cant...


I promised to myself..i will do better n try my best in this new sem...i dun wanna be like last time anymore..but that juz a talk to myself...i not really into it...my heart juz gone...other subjects aldy up my spirit...but juz this one..not even a little give me something to encourage me more...how i see my frens so hardworking learning n study about it while i juz doin nothing...i juz not try to go into it...coz i juz cant..no matter how much i force myself...i still push maya away far from me...i admire my fren coz he tried his best...not like me...he somehow help me a lot from before..he does change to more hardworking nmore considerate through his work...but me still the same...


ystrdy i shud have submit my assignment...coz many probs came to me...made me stop from submit it...as it stop from there...my entire energy also stop...when think back...im not doing so last min...i tried to prove to myself n force myself to do assignment more fast than last min like always..i know i cant change all of it to be so fast doin it...but at least i wish it slowly make me do earlier...then more earlier...it not easy to change something so fast...u need step by step for that or u will give up straight away...i see most people like that include me...how much i tried...i guess how much i hate maya...that much maya counter attack me back...maybe coz of my hate for it...i juz cant do the work more properly...coz i dun appreciate it...


by the time i doing assignment..i told myself..it gonna be ok...even though i hate maya..i still can like it a little..maybe...after slowly doin it often...i feel...somehow..excited n happy when got first assignment in this sem...i still hate maya..but..plus wif matchmover...i guess it gonna be awesome..since i focus in class n it seem nice to do...my spirit went up a lot...as my wish that this sem gonna be better...no more playing so much n try to be a bit more serious...


unfortunately..i guess...even maya dun wan accept me...it so pains when u try to be independent when doing ur assignment...u dun wan to troubles other anymore...still dependent attract u more when a little worse thing coming while doing it...since i depend on others so much...i promised myself..try not to give so much troubles to others...especially my frens when doing assignment..they have their own things also n busy...i feel like wasting their time everytime i ask them to help me...even though i know they so kind n sweet frens that they will help...but then...there u go...independent it so hard...for some part it is easy...but for some part u juz cant throw away dependent attitude...


I feel so stupid that an easy assignment took me so much times to finish...(not even finish yet...more worse)...i refrain myself from asking others...or ask others to help me...the day i started doin the assignment..i feel so proud n happy...though it gonna be awesome n simple..(i know it not always so simple...but at least a bit simple)....the beginning part aldy great..until centre...i feel so stress out...i wanna shout...i put so much effort..search on youtubes...google...another places also...i still wanna be independent...like one of my fren said...try to do it urself first..dun always ask for others...u can do it...put more confident in urself...im really thankful for my fren saying that..at least i feel like trying my best...from that part...i dun even wanna ask people when im in trouble wif assignment...i try to be somehow like "Person who knows everything"...even though i only know half of it...feeling guilty n dun wan troubles others...i tried so hard....


But im still dumb...i guess at least others aldy done theirs...even they tried their best like me..n they more fast learner than me...i feel like im so slow that simple thing i dunno how to do...i feel like so useless...till my heart about to burst...i tried asked one of my fren...so i will not disturb my fren that always help me...it like..even though they are ur fren...which person will not get annoys when u keep clinging around them...that y i feel guilty...i tried asked my other fren instead of the fren i used to ask...i dun wanna disturb him anymore...that aldy too much...till i feel ashamed of myself..but then...i guess...it totally pointless tried to be so independent when u know u still wanna be dependent...i went ask my fren that used to help me a lot...u think i dun feel shy...u think i dun feel like try my best again...u think i didnt force myself to not give up...in the same time...i juz cant...part where my weakness come in...i feel so embarassed asking that fren of mine...im trying to be cool like not asking him..maybe i can show i can do on my own...but i failed..i still asked him...even asked for help...im tired...eveytime those hardwork i did..always went down to disaster...tried to be more confident n convince myself..it not always gonna be so bad...but then..more misery came on later...


it like non stop challenges...i dun blame it...i juz blame myself coz not that strong to be independent...that moment..u nearly success...suddenly...gone everything..or stuck that u hardly remove it...
wat to do..n juz like wat to do...everytime worse came to me...even typing msg to ask for help is hard for me...that i feel so shame...


y..?at the time i tried to prove to myself that this time gonna be better...it came as bad results...i feel like...everytime i nearly give up..but i keep continue..was a good part...but at the same time...i feel like..i shud juz give up...the time u suddenly freeze n totally clueless on wat to do next that u aldy know u juz cant continue it anymore as it pains u out....


sorry so much to my fren that always help me...so much sorry...i juz cant kill my dependent part of mine...
i try to be more better...i try it slowly...i will try it...i will...


still havent finish the assignment as im so stupid dunno how to do it as other people aldy can make it many times...even i had another chance to resubmit...how kind the lecturer is...but then i juz cant continue it that im really slow in it...even my frens said change the file format or go to this n there...im so dumb dunno which image to change and where it is ..n wat next...wat this...so slow pick up things..(i know i cant always said im slow n stupid..but i juz cant help it to describe how am i when doing maya...)...i dun wanna ask my fren anymore on where the image is..or wat next....not like i afraid that they will think like im so stupid dunno where it is...i juz feel guilty that i keep on asking without finding n search it more...(even though i did searched it n go to many files n so on.....tried this way n that way..still the same...like i said..im so slow...im sorry for this part of me...it juz me...when the thing i hate it become so slower for me to learn n figure it out...)...im sorry...


I know..people will say..y u take this subject if u hate do the assignment...honestly...i luv other subject assignment..if im lazy doin it..mean im really lazy in that assignment...but..only for this subject...i juz cant hold it...somehow i feel like...y they cant juz throw the subject away n left the others...no they cant...i know that...the subject is a main n u need to learn it...i nearly drop the course last time...but this time no...
i feel like laughing teasingly to myself that i promised to be better this sem n not think about drop out or give up or so on...but..not even half sem...i aldy half give up...im so pathetic....where is my confident..where is my courage...where is my spirit...gone vainly that im not even try to catch it back...hopeless...


Dunno y i feel so down about this assignment...maybe coz...i aldy put a promised to myself..this time gonna be different but then it came back to the old one...


I juz like wanna say...."it ok then...even though i tried my best...it only 5%...maybe i try more better  n prove myself in next assignment..."...inside my heart..."no it not..im not gonna quit...after wat i been through so much..." but outside of me..."sure..i will give it up aldy...i can do it next time..." being in between...always the weakness for human...can i juz...put a stop aldy...


I realize everytime i tried to give reasons...mostly come as an excuses...it aldy normal in human life...that y i wanna stop being dependent...(even u know human juz cant stop being dependent..it a nature in them...)..as i feel people trust on me keep on decreasing time by time each times i try to depend on them...n it will remain in them that u are that way unless u can prove to them strongly u are different as they thought u are...then only they will change their perspectives...it point to me as well....somehow..everyone...we are human...


"Ego of mine refrain myself from asking others anymore...Yet...tears in my heart crawling for someone to help me desperately..."

Expressing

"No matter how hard I tried to express the words but they will always listen to those who more greater than I am...Hurt and sad but true..."


"From that moment..this soul no longer can embrace those tiny happiness as it already covered with fakeness and lies..."


"Those broken heart can always be combine all the pieces back together...Yet...you can never bring the pure one back to itself..."


"Waiting and still waiting for that key of light to open this pandora box even though time passes with vainly hoping..."