I know...it was pointless we be in this position coz of a doll...I was too happy that day...i willing to share a bit of my excited feeling to u...until u started to disagree wif me...i know it was ridiculous...most of ur points was right..i didnt deny it...even though i want the doll badly...i know some points u gave me was true...it a wasting...i know..it not juz a little money spend on it...i know..maybe im crazy...y would a human wan a doll instead of get other things that can give more benefits to u...that was ur opinion...i respect that...coz u more older than me..i always luv to hear ur opinions...as we did always from before...
Then until one point...I cant bear anymore...my heart was about to burst...when u said I always forced my parent to buy something i want...i force n force until i get it...yesh...this is true...so much true...a part of me that i hate since before...try to change it..but..i juz cant...u was really true about that...i feel guilty to my parent...so much guilty..being this kind of attitude...i gave so much troubles to them...u think i didnt feel hurt always gave them weight on their shoulder...i wish i can be a better daughter...but this person still in process of trying the best of her...it hurt me more badly when u said i love to spent a lot n wasting my money...so deeply hurt...it a slightly true...coz i luv spend it on something that i luv..but not wasting it...when i denied a bit...u started to said i use my ptptn loan to pay...n say dun use it on the doll...i feel so sad that moment...u was true...i cant juz use my ptptn loan on something like that...coz the loan for my study n daily uses...
Yesh..im thinking about use the loan on getting the doll...then u started to argued more n furiously wanna stop me from doing it...i respect u for that...coz maybe i shud not use the loan on the doll...really shud not...u think i didnt think about that...it hurt me thinking of using the loan for the doll...i juz couldnt resist u keep saying im wasting my money...u dun even know how i spend it...i begin to said how i use my money...in wat way..but u keep interfere n continuously saying im wasting...it hurt me...my tears was about to flow...i tried end the conversation by saying no one would believe me anyway...yeah...no one would believe me anyway how i spend my money...coz all this time..i was always be an immature person in front of my family n relatives...know wat...someone told me.."u can forgive but u can never forget..."...i remember how many people saying a lot of cruel words to me...always said im immature...so hard to think mature n always gave troubles to others...it was right...i admit it...i am immature...always made people angry...even my parent sometimes cant stand my attitude..but wat can i do...im the eldest child in my family...i dun have brother or sister to refer to...how i wish i had some siblings above me to teach me about life or experiences they had in their life...i didnt blame for being the eldest child...i blame myself coz i couldnt be someone that my parent wan coz im not that strong enough..i lack of experiences...im in process of learning the life...trying to be mature...but i am still wat i am...i remember u said to me..."no matter wat surrounding u been through later...always be urself..dun change to worse...always keep ur opinions...ur trueself.."...ur words gave me confident..know wat...i always wan a bro like u...so caring n loving...u so close to me...i wish u my real bro...all this time...u been advised n encourage me...i really thankful n appreciate for wat u did to me..u the best n closest cousin to me...i luv how close our hearts is that im always excited being around u...
But...it really hurt me..when u said im wasting..n use the loan...u made me feel like im so useless...yesh...somehow im a bit useless...i cant even give the best n make everyone proud of me..i always give up in my life...but i wanna try...give all i had to get n achieve my dreams...i dun wanna brag..showing off..or anything...but i wanna tell how my money was spent...since...i was a kid..i luv to keep my money..i hate spending it...coz it so happy when getting money...i collected n kept the money...until teenager...i didnt spend at all..instead put it in bank...but know where the money gone...?..my mom used it for our family life...i didnt angry...but im happy..at least the money was useful...still in teenager life..i luv keeping my money..got from my daily money my mom gave me for school...somehow..i didnt eat at all at school everyday...i eat at home..n i keep the money...not coz i wanna buy something..coz i luv collect money..im weird...i know..other people would spend it away...seeing my frens bought many good n nice things..made my heart move...but..i still didnt spend it..i dunno y...i am like that...some i spend on treating my frens or foods...but..for the things i like...not so many...it like hundreds i got...i luv seeing the money...until one day...my house got robbed..my money blown away...i feel so disappointed n angry...all my hardwork..i wan keep it in bank for my future use..gone juz like that...but then..i still continue keeping it...in the bank...until im form 5...but..again..my mom used it for our family uses...at least the money can spend on my family..i luv that...then i still have this weird attitude keeping the money...got some money i hide somewhere..so i couldnt spend it..know where the money gone now...? the cosplay costume...yesh..the money was used on that...i was so happy it spent on the thing i luv..at least for long time..there something that i use on the thing i luv...
I dun hang out much...when i go out..i spend on foods mostly..again...sometimes i feel guilty to my frens..they asked me to hang out..but i scare if the money decrease quickly...I do so much wanna treat my frens..they treat me many thing a lot..gave me many things..i was so touched..but me..i seldom treat them..not being stingy..but im scare...Im so happy when sometime i can help them or treat them with money...feeling useful at least...sorry guys...if i could been more better...
Im not like some people who luv buying clothes...shoes..make up..or other expensive things...even my mom said to me..u have the ptptn loan..y wouldnt u spend on ur clothes or something...i can say that..none of my clothes or even shoes..or make up...more than RM100...except one of my jeans which accidentally wrong bought..that i thought it was less than RM100..coz no price stated on the jeans...only one...my clothes i can say only one that cost RM60...others not more than that...only one..again...know where the most my money gone?...on my foods...yeah..i luv eating a lot...my family n relatives know that...i was so happy that at least i spent it on human needed...i didnt said people who luv shopping was wasting...No...absolutely not..i respect their hobby or choices...at least that things give advantages..coz it a daily need also...that y..i was thinking..if they have their own hobby..or even got the things they like...then wat I like?...i couldnt see something that i really really n really luv to buy...something expensive...at this point...when in school...my frens got lot of expensive things..but my heart didnt get attract to it...i maybe luv seeing their things..but i dun even feel like buying one...i do envy..coz my family not rich..n i was teach to be average...if u cant buy that..it ok..that y..i planted in myself that it was ok...3 years ago...i wanna change my phone...yeah i know..u didnt use phone...maybe i shud juz satisfied for wat phone i aldy had...i wanna buy new..not coz i wan more expensive or fancy phone..i juz wan phone that can put song n some several uses...for my own good..i didnt care if it cheap as long have wat i need...i thought i will get it on my burday 3 years ago...but no...i understand..my parent cant afford it..n i understand my family probs...i juz stay quiet..next year..i gave hint..i wish can get it on my burday again..but no...still no..then it ok..i guess it not the time yet...then 1 year ago...i was waiting for it on my burday...but..i juz got cake..no present at all..since before i always got present..but i know..the condition not good..my family had probs wif money..i still remain quiet..i dun wan trouble my parent..coz i wanna learn be mature..i dun wan force anymore..it hurt deeply..but wat can i do..then i used ptptn loan bought new phone...not coz im angry didnt get the phone..coz at least i didnt use my parent money..so they can use for others...i know it ptptn loan..but doesnt it the money i will pay later after i get my job..doesnt it consider my money..so i feel relieve at least..i feel like using my own money..even though it not money i work yet...not yet...money that not yet mine until i full pay it back...
The loan..i use for foods mostly again...n helping my mom..my mom borrowed from me..i feel happy..at least can help my mom...the money used for the Gen2 car...u know wat happened to my car...the money used on my computer upgrade for my study...n used on nenek perak uses...n use on my family uses...all of it near RM5000...i dun even mumbling about it..i dun even wan to mention it..i juz wan tell the truth...i luv helping my mom...even though i always been called stingy in my family..coz i hardly lend my money to them..know y i stingy?..coz i scare the money will be finished..then by that time..i didnt have money to use for my family emergency times any longer...i rather been called stingy than telling the truth..i dun wan to make others worried or bragging or anything...i luv keep silent that i wanna help my family as much as i can...even it not my money..it was my loan..at least..if that little money can help my family..im willing to...
I used on buying present for my mom n dad..shud see how happy my mom face is when got my present..i feel so enjoy n excited seeing my mom that way...know y?...coz when in school i didnt have much money to buy expensive things for my mom..even though people say..buy from ur heart...if cheaper doesnt matter as long u sincere give it...i know..but i wan at least give one expensive thing to my mom..i dun care my things not expensive..but i wan my mom wear something expensive...coz..i can feel my mom really wan try wear something valuable like other moms...that y now..i bought a bit expensive things for my mom..seeing her wearing it..really made my day...
I treasured every things that i love securely n carefully wif lots of luv..every presents i got from people..i stored it in my closet..even sleep beside me..I cried the first time i got my piano..it the expensive present ever i got from my parent..i really deeply appreciate it...that nite i couldnt sleep..but i cry..coz too happy..i easily touch when someone give something to me...even my face didnt show any expression..but when im alone..im so delighted...that y i think..if i got the doll..i can keep it preciously as i did to my other things...
Yesh..I wan that doll badly..i dunno y..maybe im mental..it is wasting..i know...after we argued that nite..i cried every nite..i barely sleep..my heart so hurt..headache n hardly breath..my tears flow non stop..each nite..i forgot how to smile sincerely n happily since that day...i always laughed when go to class in my car in the way to my university n even back from my university..but now i dun even speak along the way..i feel guilty to my parent..but i scare..if i speak..i wanna cry...i couldnt smile when wif my family..even my fren said to me y my eyes looks so sore..n y i looks pale like sick...i couldnt give the honest answer..coz surely i will cry...my attitude change a bit..even my mom n family see something wrong in me...a little bit sad things i see or happen..my tears automatically flows..before i can stop it..but now..it so hard to stop..never been in my life..i feel deeply hurt n change me like this...it a big impact i feel..my mom knew we fight...i dunno if u told my mom or maklong...my mom advised me..dun fight wif ur cousin..that the only closest cousin ever u had...juz coz of doll..so expensive u fight...coz of nonsense thing u fight...know wat happen after that?..im about to cry..that time i was eating in front of my mom...i carried my foods n walked upstairs..never in my life i act like that in front of my family...i cried badly..cant even continue eating..it really hurt me...u think i didnt feel guilty ..i do feel stupid fighting for something like that..so useless..but then...my lip feel like been chain..i couldnt even speak to my mom like i usually did..when my mom said something i always fight back my opinions..but this time..i juz silent n walked away..how badly hurt i feel that i couldnt express it..coz...no one would believe in me anyway...everything i said was excuses..since before..i already get use to that...how much pains i kept but at that moment..i was speechless..i feel guilty act like that to my mom..i shud not..seriously..it was first time..i didnt fight back..i juz quiet n went away..my tears was about to burst...since that moment wif my mom..until today..i dun even smile wif my family...i act really differently..my mom noticed that..i know she would..not coz i wan she know..coz i really cant be myself anymore..i forget how to smile happily..full of pains inside..im crying terribly...
Juz coz of a doll....i feel so dumb...juz coz of that...im really crazy...I cry more painly as each time i think about the doll..i feel so guilty n at same time i was so wan it...never in my life i luv something that really expensive...u said it not worth..i know...somehow..i juz fall for it beautiness...but..i juz realized..it does help in my study...since i take animation..i wanna draw human pose...the doll really helpful...from i was in school..i wish for something that can be my model of my drawing...but i never find the good one...i cant ask real human pose 24 hours in front of me...i can imagine drawing pose..but for us artist/painter/animator...we luv refer to something that real..which can touch n feel..so that feeling can flows into the drawing...i know..this seem to be like an excuses for getting the doll...but for me..at least it does give me some advantages...u dun even gimme chances to speak my heart out...hurt me by ur actions...I prayed every night..as i usually did since i was a kid..only to God i can express my pains out...I asked..y that doll came to my life?..y God sent me the doll link..?..is there any "hikmah" behind it...?..things doesnt happen without a reason...i wanna know..so i asked for God direction..i said..if my heart still ache n sad or excited seeing the doll next day n so on...i will buy it...if my interest become less..so..i will forget it...but..wat i realize..when i try to forget it..since it so hurt that i know how many obstacles in getting it..yet..my heart so hurt seeing the doll n at same time..couldnt resist from seeing it...im crazy definitely...obviously..i fall for it deeply..i still waiting..if this feeling could be less..or juz fake...so im still waiting...u think i didnt scare if i regret after buying it?...got one of my fren said this to me..."u never know u will regret it until u be in that position.."..doesnt it seem like a part of learning getting mistakes n experiences in my life?i wouldnt know wat the doll will give me...positive or negative until i be in that position..
Maybe this is wat God showed to me...that doll will be my confident n spirit in my future..who knows..coz i nearly drop my course n stop my study last few months..no one know that except my frens...they supported me n encourage me..made me continue my study..n i remember ur confident in do wat u want...got many times u really inspired me..u worked hard in every thing that u do..not like me..i easily being down...seeing u in that way..made me raise back my confident..somehow i admire ur characteristic...but then..the moments i nearly stop studying...i prayed to God..that i wish some miracles that can gimme courage..confident n spirit back through this short sem of my study...yet i didnt get the spirit like i wan to...until i saw the doll..im maybe weird n nonsense..but the doll aura juz gave me some unique feeling that made me cant stop thinking about it..y that doll came to my life in my harsh times? is God wanna show something to me?..i did saw the doll last year...but my feeling still normal that time..but this time..i see it twice n more widely..my heart feel something unusual...weird but true...y this time not that time....
That day..I went to ur house..made me nervous n guilty...i dunno how to act in front of u..after we argued that day...i thought u gonna be so mad at me..but then u came to the door n greet me happily...i wanna cry...not coz i angry wif u..im so happy that u dun even mad at me..even though i acted n log away after we quarrel that time...but..my heart really hurt..it pains that i couldnt even let my words out to talk wif u...Im so sorry..im so silent n dun even see ur face that day at ur house..not coz i hate or mad..coz i couldnt bear if i see right into ur face..i will start cry...i feel so guilty that i cant even speak to u..i dunno wat to start with...i dunno wat to speak out the first word...u tried to speak n be comfort to me..but i seem to ran away n rather quiet all the time..i cried in ur house toilet..so shame..that i couldnt stand my sadness...after i heard ur mom said to my mom...that u so eager n exited wanna come to my house..always told ur mom to go to my house...i was touched..u so happy to see n come to my house..yet i acted like that in front of u...im deeply sorry bro...
U always been someone that I luv as a bro...U encouraged n advised me a lot...U always been so lovely n caring to me...I feel fun everytime with u...being by ur side..i could speaks out my heart...i didnt feel shy or scare when chat wif u like my other cousin...u the closest...warm n calm cousin bro that i had...if i wish u really my real bro...i luv the way u protect n always been alert toward me...i feel comfortable each time with u...I admire u so much...ur spirit n hard work really inspired me...I respect u...
Deep within my heart...I scare this moment where we will quarrel n stop talking to each others...n it came..Im sorry..i couldnt be great n nice cousin...it juz hurt that i feel i less one support from someone i luv that the person dun wanna hear my heart feel...I feel so unfair that some people can get the things that they love n spend lot of money on the things they like but me...im juz about to spend it on my first expensive thing that i love..but I cant...I know that their problems if they wanna waste their money n I shud not follow them..U was right most of the times...I respect ur decisions..but..I juz wish u can respect mine..I know i will be wrong...or maybe i will regret...but got someone said this to me.. "do and achieve wat u love or want as long as u still can...u never know wat will happen until u go through it..."...i maybe can buy it many years later..but then..i remembered my fren told me.. "i wanna do wat i wan as long i still alive..u never know when u will die...u will regret the mistake u done...but u never know the happiness awaits u..."...these days..I asked other people opinions..i remembered some people quotes to me...n i was struggle making a right decision...i still wait..maybe i was true..or i was wrong...until this heart really decide wat it want...until then..i will give more thoughts...
Terribly sorry from my heart to u Bro...im so sorry acted that way...im so sorry didnt talk to u that day..im so sorry only now i speaks wat i feel...im so sorry i cant be more tougher...im so sorry i couldnt take ur advise that time..im so sorry that i deeply wan the doll badly as i ignored u...im so sorry being so stupid n crazy..im so sorry that i really wan my dream come true like other people had their own dream...im so sorry i couldnt express wat i feel honestly..
Sincerely from bottom of my heart...I will always love u as my Bro...Thank you for everything...I really mean n appreciate it...Thank you so much...Honestly..U the best bro ever that I had....Luv ya bro...
Ur cloth made my day..^_^
<3
